one on one

I was woken up moved to the core and my perplexity to cope with the situation persisted for long time even after tea and lazy doing. I learnt of my incapacity to survive my own. It is impossible but I have to. This dose was personally administered to me by who else.

The dream:

I am trying to learn to drive a bike. This is a new bike and was with me for some time. I know all the essentials. Balancing, risk of being stranded with bike in an unknown place without any support. Bike's essentials - fuel valve, ignition key, kick start, acceleration in the handle, new engine hardly makes any noise of engine firing, over flooding, my old age and exhaustion, and human assistance for limited time.

I give up - I am past stage of learning.

I have no option but face my own death seeing the same with my own eyes. A distance away it my personal-me who shall not come to receive or assist me till I am dead. That has plugged all the routes of escape.

I remember the story of Casablanca standing on the burning deck - his father asked him to wait and he is waiting. All have left - father has not come - ship is in fire and burn him to death and sink for ever with no trace of him.

I can no longer be me whatever I may think I am.   

Butcher is wrong word

Ever since (private) me has appeared in my life, it is the end of future for (public or terrestrial ) me

similar to end of night at the appearance of morning light and night shall not come till sun is set

however personal me shall never set - public-me sees does thinks whatever is shown made to do or made to contemplate - I am less than a puppet - I have no existence

I am made to feel each and every moment - dose administered personally by personal-me I can't blame nor I can't show him to any - I have to own the blame without option and bear in silence

nothing ever is modifiable or unthought or unseen - no going back but always forward march towards my annihilation and I can't expect the same

Personal-me is before world, before time, before truth, and after truth

Personal-me is without before or after

[that's cruelty and thirst for life knows no bound - maniac butcher nuclear bomb avalanche earthquake tsunami nadir death ...all words are less to describe him...he is the inventor of life and consumer of life...that is the meaning]

Measure of Public-me

I know of existence of me - very personal and never exposed to any.

I am not talking about the knowledge of personal-me.

I am talking about public-me that is exposed to at least one or more people. Public-me has many needs.

Public-me is a physical entity that any can communicate irrespective of I understand or acknowledge.

Public-me exposes by way of communication its need:

Metabolic - food excretion sleep
Shelter from environmental calamity
Fun of living - games

Needs are measurable - financial time people

Can I be content with the creative ability of personal-me to satisfy public-my needs?

Personal-me has no need yet it creates for public-me endlessly every moment - all my time money and shelter are pre-created for public-me to enjoy fun shelter and life.

I shall be having neither if that not be done.

Is measure of public-me how fat is my bank balance, how healthy I am physically, and comfortable is my shelter?

Or how comfortable I am about my personal-me that I have no need to measure privately - public-me's expectation of continued fun shelter and living?

defending indefensible and impossible

Truth is here and now

What I see is created ground up from me my words and my images and thus entirely conceived by me.

I have no option but perceive all as they are. I can't prevent perceiving.

All is me or what I think. All is nothing regardless of what I think.

I am my fiction.

I am unlike all without words name image or description. I am truth.There is no one and nothing besides me.

It is perfection of perfection

it is absolute still.

there is no noise. no perception.

still

a split - a sensor and a perception and a collection. did i hear something/ did I see something? perceptor is perception.

a consciousness

any noise is reflected perfectly and it is not possible to determine what is original and what is reflection.

It is my world

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what see near my home?

I see my excitements and there is no option not seeing them even if that my cause of my death.
[ Daw's father perfectly healthy and wealthy] died receiving a telephone bill with wrong amount. He could not contain his excitement. Chhorda was excited by all the people visited him in the hospital. He could not help but get excited. I get excited with any monetary loss.]
My excitement I have to see. While theoretically it is possible to see only my excitements and not act but the ability might be far off. No one or device could gauge my excitement though may exist. Whether that may reduce my excitement I do not know.
My excitements are entirely work of my art. Basis however is contemporary clients of mine - all humans I know. I also assume they represent their own known group where they discuss about me. They too no existence beyond. So on. They all are my excitements too and i have no option but recognize them. I have wired myself that way.
Ultimately The base where I have no recognition and no excitement.
What is my cure or solution for my continuous fever?
[babar could voluntarily take humayun's fever to himself curing humayun] 

feel good

If I am to feel good that I am in heaven and there is no king of heaven. I must necessarily assume I am good and doing good; also all is good and beneficial to me - if I wish to waste my power to change my environment in heaven.
If I am to feel bad that I am in hell and there is a king of hell. I must necessarily assume I am bad as per rule of hell and all is bad and intend to torture me rest of my life. It is waste of my power of imagination.
Alternative to both - 'I am nothing' no particular imagination required. 'all is nothing' no particular imagination required.