one on one

I was woken up moved to the core and my perplexity to cope with the situation persisted for long time even after tea and lazy doing. I learnt of my incapacity to survive my own. It is impossible but I have to. This dose was personally administered to me by who else.

The dream:

I am trying to learn to drive a bike. This is a new bike and was with me for some time. I know all the essentials. Balancing, risk of being stranded with bike in an unknown place without any support. Bike's essentials - fuel valve, ignition key, kick start, acceleration in the handle, new engine hardly makes any noise of engine firing, over flooding, my old age and exhaustion, and human assistance for limited time.

I give up - I am past stage of learning.

I have no option but face my own death seeing the same with my own eyes. A distance away it my personal-me who shall not come to receive or assist me till I am dead. That has plugged all the routes of escape.

I remember the story of Casablanca standing on the burning deck - his father asked him to wait and he is waiting. All have left - father has not come - ship is in fire and burn him to death and sink for ever with no trace of him.

I can no longer be me whatever I may think I am.   

Butcher is wrong word

Ever since (private) me has appeared in my life, it is the end of future for (public or terrestrial ) me

similar to end of night at the appearance of morning light and night shall not come till sun is set

however personal me shall never set - public-me sees does thinks whatever is shown made to do or made to contemplate - I am less than a puppet - I have no existence

I am made to feel each and every moment - dose administered personally by personal-me I can't blame nor I can't show him to any - I have to own the blame without option and bear in silence

nothing ever is modifiable or unthought or unseen - no going back but always forward march towards my annihilation and I can't expect the same

Personal-me is before world, before time, before truth, and after truth

Personal-me is without before or after

[that's cruelty and thirst for life knows no bound - maniac butcher nuclear bomb avalanche earthquake tsunami nadir death ...all words are less to describe him...he is the inventor of life and consumer of life...that is the meaning]

Measure of Public-me

I know of existence of me - very personal and never exposed to any.

I am not talking about the knowledge of personal-me.

I am talking about public-me that is exposed to at least one or more people. Public-me has many needs.

Public-me is a physical entity that any can communicate irrespective of I understand or acknowledge.

Public-me exposes by way of communication its need:

Metabolic - food excretion sleep
Shelter from environmental calamity
Fun of living - games

Needs are measurable - financial time people

Can I be content with the creative ability of personal-me to satisfy public-my needs?

Personal-me has no need yet it creates for public-me endlessly every moment - all my time money and shelter are pre-created for public-me to enjoy fun shelter and life.

I shall be having neither if that not be done.

Is measure of public-me how fat is my bank balance, how healthy I am physically, and comfortable is my shelter?

Or how comfortable I am about my personal-me that I have no need to measure privately - public-me's expectation of continued fun shelter and living?