sruti

its a Sanskrit word that has been heard. We do hear so many things what is so special?
Sruti is that once heard you shall not forget - often in the course of your life you shall find it appearing before you. Indian epics Ramayana or Mahabharata falls in this category. you need never read them but if you ever heard any piece from it - you shall remember and certainly it shall come to your consciousness many times in your life thereafter.
Origin of Sruti is another classic literature imparted directly from guru to disciple in the olden days. They are Upanishads - sit beside me (and listen). If you ever read any Upanishads and have a researching mind. It shall get embedded in your mind like leech. It shall fall off when somethings clicks in your mind - like a missing piece of jigsaw puzzle makes a picture complete - aha!
here is very smart and tiny one from Upanishads.
'OM has four legs for its stability - we know the three of them - sleep dream and wake.'
btw, I have just chosen to represent that can't be pronounced and reference only with two English alphabet. it refers to the missing leg that renders self sustaining stability. OM is not even a Sanskrit letter or word.

i have no future

I never had future

I m in a voyage without future

how can I be quiet

How can I be quiet

there are infinitely many reasons for my loud outbursts

there are many prescription such as counting 100 before doing

i can't learn silence

unless i observe it now at this moment discounting all calls for breaking my silence

i write out of fear

my fear of unknown is persistent

i think i reduce it by writing

i reason with me by writing

one of the reason comes from upanishad

when a tree is brought down by severing it in the trunk - it come back to life because of its root

when a man is struck down by death how he can be reborn again?

there is world after the end of the world!

this world came into sight from within

within has the capacity to create any world many world - every world is new fresh moment

~ insallah

Shankara prescribes - perceive all as they are - there is no other options.

trembling in fear in the slightest bridge how do I still my body or mind mind a view my trembling without doing nothing?

shankara's prescription is useless - i can't even leave my past behind without acting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My silence however desirable

I can't ascertain my silence however desirable by me.

I can't keep my public image untainted or unblemished.

I shall cry in future publicly.

I shall anguish in public in future.

i shall blame in public in future.

i shall be nervous breakdown in public.

i shall hide from any in future.

.....

My behavior in public is not in my control however I may desire.

My public behavior is not in my control as much as my future as much as my present.

Present is my assumption already null and void but not in my knowledge. None is obliged to even inform me.

I can research past unearth may truths but false (my assumptions - my story) too can't be changed.

I am Not in my control.

However this does not mean - I am NOT Controlled.

My controller is playing football with me - soaring me high in self esteem and bringing me down in my self esteem with no botheration about what and how I feel about his kicks on my butt.

I need not expect but i ll expect.

i need not expect but i ll witness horror in person destroying my body and mind, my sense of well being and stability.

pressure

I am building a machine to capture my stress over time automatically something like cardiograph and capture my current thought.

one is computer and my writing in blog.

I can time my blog and its content.

One indicates the urgency and the other indicates my struggle release my tension.

The stress is my future.

The stress is directly proportional to my assumption on my life and its dependence on the continued supply of its resources.

It is entirely my hypothesis the importance of money supply for my continued living.

It is possibly far important than money is my continued operation of my heart.

I am not sure what is more important to me my brain or heart.

There are other body parts.

Do I start taking care of them?

At this point, I am lazy and do not wish to indulge in any operation now in order to ascertain my future continuity and living.

I have my terms and condition for living in this world.

my laziness to abide my terms and conditions of any for my continuity.

This does not mean my pressure is reduced.

I have no options but continue to listening and seeing the pressure getting built up in me - I show my tantrum or in the extreme cases I start writing my blog.

My only activity allowed by me to compose myself as a preparation for next moment being unprepared.

I do not expect.

misconception

Me is my misconception

I blame it on others

but i looked forward to association and i identified with events

in the absence of i - i is all events and they can't be and never shall be

if i identify with entire perceptions of mine

it still is less than me

in the same way false is less than truth

 yet it can be indicator to what is truth

it includes all perceptions of mine and my capacity to perceive

fear is misconception of me

there is no reason for my fear

my fear is dust compared to unlimited universe and beyond - simply the sky that includes earth sun sleep dream people and fear

can a clever trap eliminate me

can clever cheating eliminate me

can gun put in my head and fired by any eliminate me

can i eliminate me by jumping from tall rise

can gravity eliminate me

can disastrous collision eliminate me

can disease eliminate me

can death eliminate me

can abject poverty eliminate me

can failure eliminate me

can my loneliness eliminate me

can anything or anyone eliminate me

can I, my misconception, eliminate me

who is immortal

সব আমি ধরে আছি ছেড়ে দিলেও তারা যায় না  ছোট হতে হতে মিলিয়ে যায়

আমি ছেড়ে দিলে আমিও যাই

সত্য চির স্থায়ী

সত্যের না আছে আগে না আছে পরে

কান বন্ধ করে চোখ বন্ধ করে স্পর্শ না করে

নিজেকে বাচিয়ে

কাওকে বাঁচিয়ে

সত্য না দেখা অসম্ভব

যেতে দিতে হবেই চিরকালের জন্যে

সত্য আছে আমি নেই

i prevent none and nothing [i m trying to prevent forgetting]

Living with unknown

years and many lives i have lived with unknown and been seeing the spectacular compositions of the same.

I wonder what is in my store in my next moment - is it a surprise or repetition

i do nothing - i am afraid i may filter a surprise by my doing and i stop new from being born

i crave for new - places people events

i refrain from celebrating anniversaries and remembering horrors and horrible departure from repititions

i have made a will

I gather all of me and my world

put it in the roulette - at number any

and gamble

if they are back in any folds

they shall be gambled away the moment if any is back

i have made a will

What is troubling me

White beam light at the center of me exposes all troubling experiences

my inability to look at divine experience as divine and i m in trouble

i m in the mosquito land infested with mosquito

i can't kill them all

they would smell me

as i did once in badrinath

even when he is total silent i hunted him out

so did another old man

and disturbed him in his work

so much so he faced all of us three with one question

whom to appeal for bad deed of nature

famine quake avalanche flood storm and fire

disease old age poverty and death

how do i protect myself

who should i complain if bearable

the beam of light at my center has exposed me

it shall annihilate me and the shadow i cast

no one wind water fire ... disease age death possession can't obstruct this light and cast any shadow

i view all all and all no exception

i m not there I must view that

what is my agenda

 সব দেখব সব  জানব 

viewing is must

i have no option but view my own hypothesis and moved by the same and feel good or bad by its correctness - the static permanent beam of light reveals all dusts of my experience

pretense of doing good

All these days I had pretense of doing good to others.

Now I need do good exclusively for me.

I must do nothing.

till it disappears

bubbles surfaces up to my notice and disappears
i view its movement till it is there
it is there if i don't wish to notice

viewing

if I reject viewing what I must view - this I do when i am not silent - I m burdened.

In this moment - if i am in doubt - i must view my doubt till i am able to view rest of surroundings - the meaning of doubt is me - while i am not there. Viewing makes doubt disappear all by itself.

I can't be doubt!

viewing make all disappear since i am not them or any of them.

viewing make me disappear with respect to others (what others think I am)

I am wrong if I think myself any entity other than Peerless ancestor less - the creator.

If i view any one thinking that I have peer I have parent and I am created - this i must view.

If i am unable to view that means I am angry aggrieved excited afraid and looking for change of scenario. I m paralyzed. I must my paralysis till i am lot paralyzed. Among other things - I am not my body. I am not my mind. I am not intelligent.

I am not absent.

I am not present.

i must view that I am not - I am not not .....I am not not not....  

Dreams

What is best film ever that I have seen?

I have watched many thousands films.

Many I enjoyed immensely and watched many times. I possessed them for a while till I extracted every bit of enjoyment out of it.

As soon as the question appeared in my mind - I knew the answer.

Dreams by Akira Kurosawa.

There are seven of them.

One dream that of a child where the child can't take the accusation from other inhabitants of nature for destruction of cherry orchard by humans and breaks into grief.

One that of a military commander because of him, his squadron got eliminated. Their ghosts haunt him and he orders them to the past.

One that of adventure where a troop of mountainairs faced with avalanche and bitter cold and gets buried by snow only to be revived by touch of loving supernatural angel - hope.

One that of art enthusiast getting into time of Van Gogh witnessing his furious painting of moments of reality.

One that of folly of humanity destroying life support system of this world - the nuclear disaster - the inability to harness energy unleashed by chain reaction.

The last dream that living harmoniously with nature - the heaven the earth is if only we do not ask more than what nature gives us naturally.

In my facebook site I have some snippets of Dreams of Akira.

যা হবার তা হবেই না হবার কোনো উপায় নেই

যা হবার তা হবেই না হবার কোনো উপায় নেই

I can't remember this since every moment is preconstructed before it comes to my knowledge.

I can't stop receiving the moment.

Each and every moment is THE and there is no alternative.

ভাবালে ভাবি
করালে করি
দেখালে দেখি
নাচলে নাচি
উপায় নেই
পুতুলের অস্তিত্য আছে
আমার নেই
সে সব

There is space within heart it is the home of creator

না জানা টাও জানা 

আমি নেই - এখন

আমি না থাকলে সবার কাজ কম হয়
আমি না থাকলে আমার জন্য কাওকে কিছু করতে হয়না
আমার হাত নেই
আমার পা নেই
আমার মন নেই
আমার বুদ্ধি নেই
আমার বোধ নেই
আমার শক্তি নেই
আমার জ্ঞান নেই
আমার ধন নেই
আমার বল নেই
আমার ক্ষমতা নেই
আমার স্মৃতি নেই
আমার শরীর নেই
আমার লোক নেই
আমার লজ্জা নেই
আমার সাহস নেই
আমি কেও নই
আমি কিছু নই
আমি নেই  - এখন

I should stop writing

 but I can't.
It is unfortunate that I lost my control during the course of my life's journey.
I got mixed up.
I would like to stay away from many because I get excited and I don't like to get excited.
Timeline is a snake it starts at nothing and ends in me now.
My body is exposed to attack by any one I meet now.
I am a snake and I can't defend my body. I can't eat away my body.
I can only leave it exposed to torture and I am touched.

কারণ জানিনা

কখনো হাসি
কখনো কাদি
কখনো রাগী
কখনো জলি
কখন শান্ত
কখন শ্রান্ত
কখন ক্লান্ত
কখন ভিত
কখন নির্ভিক
কখন ঘুমন্ত
কখনো ব্যথিত
কখনো মোহিত
কখনো লালসিত
কখনো গর্বিত
কখনো উন্মাদ
কখনো নির্বাক
কখন জাগ্রত
কখন লজ্জিত
কখনো অসুস্থ
কখনো খারাপ
কখনো ভালো
.
.
.
আমি দেখি যা জানি পছন্দ মতন
আমি কি দেখেছি 'আমি জানি না'  -
আমার সব জানার আগে ?

কারণ

আমি সবাইকে সব কিছু বলার ভাবার আর করার অধিকার দিয়ে বসে আছি

আমার সব কিছু পাবার অধিকার  আর সবই আমার সম্মান সবই আমার আনন্দ



F0 (x)  = I do not know
FN (x) = FN-1 (x)

I shall never know - I am a born idiot who shall never know

creator is background

none i am aware asks any questions except human being.
always there is some exception.
why?
otherwise one is not aware - human is not aware.
while all is aware of background that is god or creator, only human is not aware and they write and talk most and think most of god but never aware of god.
had he been visible to human, by now he would be absent.
for the sake of the rest creator is present.
it really needs more than pair of eyes and all other senses to see creator in person and it is not belief.
creator can't be buried exposed beckoned or learnt
creator can be seen by one and only one means
the ability to differentiate between true and false and ability to accept truth and reject false however desirable.

I have everything for my life including creator.

It is impossible to influence creator - not even spec could be moved - nothing happens without him - he never sleeps.

If knowledge is power - I am powerless

I  do not know.

All is OK.

Aswathama hoto iti gaza

Yudhisthir never lied.

That does not mean that he was given in to hiding his internal human desires - lust greed sex ....

Yet he was reliable to others including those who were deceived by him.

he was simple over his expression.

Many a time he was overcome with desires of Draupadi. So many got affected - including Arjun.

He was candid in his expression and I condone him.

it is my family tree

It is my family tree but of different kind.

Originally I am absolute without peer and ancestor. Any similarity is that of Sky

The twins composed out of me are Time and Distance.

Both Time Distance are compositions of Events. They too are compositions of mine - me and people (my world then.

This is my world under the sky.

I can't be bigger or smaller.

I can't be bigger than sky and not smaller than me - a non-entity observer.

It does not matter if I am under a stone or six feet under within a box and only observe nothing.

The non-entity me has one direct descendant - a liar. Observer has no option but bear the liar - that always lie and always hears lie.

I have no option but condone him after all he is made of cells - it is best he could be.

I do not yet know the secret how I migrate from one body to another and drive the same.