My silence however desirable

I can't ascertain my silence however desirable by me.

I can't keep my public image untainted or unblemished.

I shall cry in future publicly.

I shall anguish in public in future.

i shall blame in public in future.

i shall be nervous breakdown in public.

i shall hide from any in future.

.....

My behavior in public is not in my control however I may desire.

My public behavior is not in my control as much as my future as much as my present.

Present is my assumption already null and void but not in my knowledge. None is obliged to even inform me.

I can research past unearth may truths but false (my assumptions - my story) too can't be changed.

I am Not in my control.

However this does not mean - I am NOT Controlled.

My controller is playing football with me - soaring me high in self esteem and bringing me down in my self esteem with no botheration about what and how I feel about his kicks on my butt.

I need not expect but i ll expect.

i need not expect but i ll witness horror in person destroying my body and mind, my sense of well being and stability.