Twins to singleton

I oscillated between me and you for 4 decades day in day out and every wake hours and minute.

I am literally split in two.

How extraordinary will it last for ever or it shall reconcile to one.

As me I would like to burst.

As you I listen to you and I would like burst out.

If I don't in either case....

million words

I have written several million words in 40 plus years only to calm my boiling minds from two successive rejections.

I could believe in nothing that included my own body and the sun rising in the east.

I was mount Fuji eruptions every so often.

I am still erupting is there any chance that I shall be silent in near future.

I wish I am a dead volcano.

I have nothing to give by way of words.

I unite the sky earth people and me all themselves  - peaceful and quiet and not noisy and colliding.

I can't condone two persons in my life - Madhu and Chhordi. There is another pair Bhakt masi and Jagu who were responsible for early demise of Dada.

I think it is my final list of persons I do not condone - their selfishness caused early death of my three brothers.

Ma always took care to keep her children away from potentially dangerous persons..

I wont blame any but blame inability to myself.

It is not suspicion

I am convinced that my Chhorda's death is caused by mis-diagnosis and treatment by Madhu and final heart attack caused by deliberate lies by Chhordi - she did not wished to be in Chhorda's vicinity and she was doing all the misinformation since she wished to possess his money. Madhu swindled him by treatment but Chhordi swindled Chhorda's money false checks and depositing in her account - enriching herself with stolen money.

Madhu and Chhordi are hardened culprit.

Madhu was instrumental to death of Sonada too. He is thorough liar. Nightingale too is a nightmare. I am convinced that the pacemaker replaced was non-functional. He even asked it from Baudi.

Madhu and Jagu syphoned Dada's asset except that was in Post office. All the shares of Dada disappeared and also his land in Rupnarayanpur for a ashram. I do not know if he made some construction

How long Madhu shall be able to cover his criminal track is doubtful. May he live long.

How long Chhordi is going to be able to cover her criminal track is doubtful. May she live long.

.

Another Dream

I had series of escapades.

Series of life.

Connections are made with some bus conducted by violent ruffins not sure I would return home

But where could I go?

My twin brother is home.

Away from home I was always accompanied by some one who knew.

My lifes circle around home.

আমি ভগবান সবার থেকে খারাপ

আমি  অনেক দোষে দোষী
আমি সবার সব বিচার নিতে প্রস্তুত নই
আমি আমাকে বাচাবার চেষ্টা থামাতে পারবনা
আমার দোষের শেষ নেই।

আমি ভগবান ।
আমি আমার মালিক।

হয়ত সবার থেকে খারাপ।

আমি আমার দোষ ছাড়তে পারব না
আমি ভগবান বদলায় না
আমি কারোর নিয়ম মানিনা
সত্যি মিথ্যা জানিনা
কারোর মত নিইনা
কারোর কথা মানিনা
আমি আমার যা ইচ্ছা করি
দুঃখ আর কষ্ট হয়ত আমার চিরকালের সাথী।

আমি অসত
আমি অসভ্য
আমি মানুষ না
আমি কিছুই না
আমি একেলা
আমার মুক্তি নেই।।

ভগবান আছে?

সব থেকে মুক্তি

সবার থেকে মুক্তি না বলা 

সবাই কে সুযোগ দেওয়া 

সব কিছু করার 

কোনো কিছু বাধা না দেওয়া 

আমার প্রশ্ন আমাকে 

ভগবান আছে?

আমার বিশ্বাস আছে
হয়ত আমার বিশ্বাস ঠিক

কিন্তু আমি জানিনা

হয়ত আমি এবং চির কাল আমি ভগবান

আমার বিশ্বাস বা অবিশ্বাস যাই হোক কিছু যায় আসে না

যেমন চির দিন চলেছে সেরকমই চলবে

আমি কি ভাবি তার উপর
ভগবানের অস্তিত্ব
কোনো ঘটনা
বা সত্যি নির্ভর করে না

when would I gain total control?

I can't stop doing. Even when I know all is done,

Nothing is expected of me.

Twins

Flower or Fly who is first? They appeared together.
Adam or Eve who came first? They were twins born at the same time.
Neuron or photon who is elder? They are twins.
God or Devil who is elder? They are twins.

However, who is elder Absolute or Relative?

The answer is Absolute.

Me and My World are twins. They are born inseparable and they disappear both at the same time. They complement each other and they play together.

In fact Me my world and time are triplets. They together create all the numbers and their order.

Is it not remarkable coincidence that DNA is double helix?

Without it we can't have future. With RNA we only present no past no future unless itself is repetitious. DNA is much stable condition.

Photon causes neuron or neuron causes photon?

The mystery of universe is absolute - nothing - first and without second (peer)

Amazing is the absolute relationship with events. Each event is twin - observer and observation (twin such as neuron and photon). Each event is a creation of absolute.

They are undoable. Among themselves they have no relationship except all are siblings and not comparable. Without character. like two flashes of fire fly and no flash between them. The connection of these three is the fire fly.

All events are connected with absolute as source and they could not be otherwise.

.

It is all about truth and false and its repercussions

Universe is well founded on nothing.

I have emphasized 'nothing' to mean beyond ordinary meaning of nothing. It is in fact meaning of 'meaning of nothing' and all recursion using meaning...

It is behind all and extends beyond and in particular not only 'all'

I can't simplify whatever I have written - it is mistake to write in first place.

Why write when you do not expect to be understood?

[this may be a false assumption and there may be person like me who are looking for meaning]

I shall be talking in first person only since i have observed my self most and for 64 years now.

I have a personal crisis 'who am I?'

The dream yesterday is related to that.

There is an intersection - can't go past that. It is my birth. While moments as streams like train goes in one directions non-stop from my birth and they are current some of them get destroyed and some visible (memory)

Someone simulated Photon to come back to origin time!

Does it mean Photon is immortal or perpetual/

It is Newton's concept of matters' indestructibility thereby energy thereby photon.

I am receiving photons are stream of the same from my birth. They have not gone past me but became my memories some of them. When I go under and not exist - it is goes back to when i was not there. Is it time travel back in time of photon?

There is always before co-exist with all time.

There is a container that truly contains all knowns and knowable plus unknowable that time shall never know - it is the source of photon and all knowables.

How all these relates to me?

I co-exist with all and I individually am all with my assumptions of their existence - photon or non-photon based.

I ran or run into problem whenever I mistakenly this any I see is me in particular - that is false.

I am mad or false as long as I assume.

I am always and even before and after knowledge.

I am absolute.  

Dream

It was long dream - central character is Biswarup besides me and place is Chittaranjan. Weather is very bad raining hard. communication is disrupted. Open portion is totally under water and volunteers are not allowing people to go any further in that direction. Trains are going in one direction even when some carriages are getting derailed. But vehicle or trains from opposite direction can't simply go past that intersection.

The other side of the intersection I met Biswarup. He told his Mother and wife are dead now. I told my sad story of Chhorda's death. Someone pulled him away.Saved me from self pity from my inability to stop and involving others with my grievance.

আমি পুতুল

আমি পুতুল
নাচালে নাচি
বলালে বলি
করালে  করি
ভাবালে  ভাবি
কাদালে কাদি
হাসলে হাসি
আমি অক্ষম
আমি জ্ঞানী আমার এইটুকুই আমার জ্ঞান
আর কিছু জানিনা
আমি হেসে খুসি
আমি কেদে খুসি
আমি শুনে খুসী
আমি দেখে খুসী
আমি করে খুসী
আমি ভেবে খুসী
আমি নেই তাতে খুশি
আমি চুপ তাতে খুসী
খুসি না হযে উপায় নেই।

I must without fail enjoy now

I must be happy and enjoying now 

Mahabir

undefeatable

fearless

!!!

Mahabir was a prince and king.

He found one day he sitting on wealth and people but they were burden on him.

He wished to free his people from himself and free himself of wealth

He announced a day when he would give away all his wealth and kingdom to his people.

He called everyone to open field from all over his kingdom and started giving away wealth - whoever had whatever is theirs.

In the evening when sun was he had distributed all including his cloths. He was not shameless - he borrowed a shawl from his sister and covered his body and took to road. On the way outside locality he found a lame man. He asked Mahabir direction to the open place. Mahabir did not wish to disappoint the lame man since he was late. He gave the shawl away taking only a piece to cover his shame.

While passing through a hedge Mahavir's cover got caught in the hedge. He stopped recover the piece but then realized he could do without his shame and not retrieve his shame.

মেঘ আর মেঘ

মেঘ আর মেঘ আর মেঘ
বৃষ্টি আর বৃষ্টি
বৈচিত্রহীন

কবে পথে বেরোব
বৃষ্টি থামার অপেক্ষা না করে
কবে জানব আমি ভবিষ্যতহীন

কোনো আশা নেই
কিছু বাচাবার নেই
বলার নেই করার নেই ভাবার নেই দেবার নেই

কবে দেখব
শুধু আকাশ আর আকাশ
আর খেলব প্রাণ ভরে 

I am blinded by me

and my aim is very clear to eliminate me and restore my sight. If this done in this life ok if there is another one and if I am still blind and I recognize it then I shall try again.

Did my brother knew my aim - I do not know. I did not hid it from any one but it is very clear anyone who has met me for a while - he or she would know I am continuously struggling to achieve something - it is not like every other persons - struggling for honor life or survival.

Chhorda told me that he is struggling for life even though he knew it is not under his control but he is determined to put up a fight.

If he didn't he would have survived. But that was not to be - it was not intended.

I can of course blame all who killed him - his siblings colluding with his Physicians to loot his possession. Of course they did succeed. Again it was intended it could have been otherwise.

When someone puts a loaded gun on my head - I may or may not struggle to survive and it is not under my control - it is the intention - truth.

Every event in this world is intended including my thought a hyena's thought and an ants thought. It is deterministic automaton.

I am a deterministic automaton without control - it is truth.

There truly clear sky and light that reflects on me that I can't see eclipsed by me. Can truly truth be eclipsed by me - my life long collections of events that I wear as my intelligence.

No.

I get occasional rays that I do not understand. I do not stop my self from understanding the ray or event. My life could be instantly heaven - literally - the open sky all beyond description beautiful forever new forever virgin and never memorized by any and not seen by me or read by me or witnessed by me.

I made my last attempt and told Chhorda for once read Vivek Chudamoni. My mind was truly clouded but I knew what appeared snake and concluded as snake by people surrounding him - he must ignore - he must not be gullible but see truth for himself.

He must have seen the truth in his last breath that his treatment caused his death and it was hopeless - his relations his physicians his friends and he himself could not prevent it - truth can't be prevented - never.

Hope is sure sign of despair. Truth is all clear without a shadow of doubt.

Truth is knowledge but knowledge what?

I know without doubt that I don't know. Life after life I can't afford to be blind that is scholar and apply knowledge unto me and start understanding instead just see in the clear sky without knowledge and recognize it is worthless for my purpose for my rest of my life and any number of my lifes thereafter.

Sky is meaning for truth - it means 'I don't know'. No matter what instruments exist and created and how many people see through them  sky is not known but I only create clouds, layers after layers, and I succeed in not seeing the sky - truth. Of course Truth exist and always even if I am senseless, mindless. 'I don't know' always exist.

There is a sky in me it unites with the sky outside me.

My senses are clouded I see Chhorda's mind clouded too even though he is clear Sky.

One courage I must have

I do not have the courage face all events without doing.

One is my total absence without root or anchor.

I can't face my absence without thoughts words and deeds.

The other is my existence without possession - friends relations money home profession earnings support.

I can't face my absense of support without thought words and deeds.

I have no option but face my absence or my absence of support without support from my intellect memory muscle finance friends relations ......

Do I support in anticipation of support?

My enemy is me.

My enemy is only me and my possessions.

I must annihilate my enemy - me and my possession

I can't see the truth that can't hidden for a single moment because of a speck in my eye - it is me.

How do I remove it?

It is impossible

Whatever I might have seen I can never make it true or false.

Whatever I might have heard I can never make it true or false.

Whatever I might have touched I can never make it true or false.

Whatever I might have thought I can never make it true or false.

Truth was is shall never be transient - it is always present and never ever is absent.

আমার লক্ষ্য

আমার আকাংখা
আমার চাওয়া
আমার লক্ষ্য
সত্যি সত্যি সত্যি।।

কারো  থেকে বড় নয়
কারো থেকে ছোট নয়
কারো সমান নয়
অমৃতের নয়
বাচার নয়
অধিকার নয়
যা ইচ্ছা করা নয়
যা ইচ্ছা বলা নয়
যা ইচ্ছা ভাবা নয়
আমার সাধীনতা সব স্পর্ষ কাতরতা থেকে
সম্মান থেকে -
আর আকর্ষণ থেকে।

আমার জন্ম জন্মান্তরের লক্ষ্য সত্যি।
সত্যের উপলব্ধি ।।

is it possible?

Can I live among people being totally neutral?

Not expecting any from any?

Not care to understand what any is saying?

Without being curious about any?

Without doing for any?

Without talking to any?

Without seeing any?

Even if it is impossible - I have to achieve the same.

I can't waste my time trying to find out. Even if I try I shall not find out. I AM TOTALLY CLOSED.

On the other hand if I notice anything about anyone - it is the best information I have or entitled to. Tracing anyone would not result in more information.

Making any expectation is futile attempt to know more - it is impossible to know more.

Time is not absolute.

Light is not absolute.

Time line is not absolute.

Absolute is container of All and that includes nothing - not photon not boson not time not space not concept not thought - it is present - it is without root - it is without peer - it is never absent.

I am absolute. I can't be otherwise.

i can't satisfy none - it is impossible.

সম্মান শত চেষ্টা করেও পাবনা
অসম্মান না চাইতেও পাব

সত্যি অতি কঠিন - অকল্পনীয় ।

যা দেখবার দেখেছি
যা শুনবার শুনেছি
যা ছোবার ছুএছি
যা  ভাববার ভেবেছি

এসব বড় বা ছোটো বা না করা অসম্ভব ।

ভবিষ্যতেও যা দেখাবে দেখব  যা শোনাবে শুনব যা ছওয়াবে ছোব যা ভাবাবে ভাববো

সত্যি অতি নির্মম ।

না ভুগে মরব না
আর না মরে উদ্ধার নেই
বেচে থাকার কোনো উপায় নেই
না করে পার পাব না

next composition

I have two topics both from my current readings - one on ownership of 700+ flats of Shibulal current ceo of infosys, the other I already recursion - meeting someone who is exactly like me and not someone i love completely without making any change no matter how impossible to bear. It is similar to the effort of a python swallowing a deer or antelope with big horn definite to puncture the python stomach.

In my case - i am nothing and I treat the entire world as they are - i swallow the entire universe that includes uncountable worlds as they are without modification or treatment.

Literally,

I am open and unbounded - in dimension I am devoid - bereft of all but contains all without touching any as they are.

Recursion,

it starts with touch - an event recognition - and there after change of events unstoppable - non-happening is an event - any pattern of 0 and 1 and there is no time interval. Insert as many 0000000000s between two 1s

An Example:

I met a person exactly like me and i thought i was unique!

I met so many in billion trillion ways they I thought all different but they are all me - recursive events.

I am unique!

I alone is absent but present always for events to happen like fire flies.

i do not have to be

i do not have to own my last all moments however vivid and live they are in my mind.

i do not need to perpetuate my living.

slowly my courage returns i do not have to be to any.

i do not have to be success to any

i do not have to survive

a gun put on my head only trigger to be pulled

i take the chance of leaving that to the puller

today

I went to a graduation party.

Reconfirmed that Bengali can't do food business they are too clever to do the same.

I have similar opinion about Indian IT Business although they are apparently doing good.

All my years in US and all my associations with Indian Companies - HCL TCS WIPRO COGNIZANT INFOSYS - it clear that it is impossible to trust them with any project. They shall never deliver. They prosper in an atmosphere wherever there is easy money. In US there is always easy money.

We have a saying Chore Chore Mastoto Bhai.

There is automatic relationship between two bad person and they make a group.

I have by now seen about 25 projects in USA. Invariably they are failures. All of them large money spinning exercise.

So black is the picture that I don't believe if there is another project for me it shall last more than three weeks.

It is impossible to make relationship with a thief for me to survive.

There is one ray of hope though - the unpredictability.

I am past 64 and I have survived till now without getting mixed up with thieves and I welcomed separation. 

my last train to survival

There is a race condition

all my education
all my people
all my hates
all my feelings
all my loves
all of my body
all my pains
all my moments
all my aspirations
all my dark thoughts
all my failings
whole of my world

without change has come preloaded at this moment

now I have to squeeze me in

my last train to survival

[my silence]

saddest moment

I am so big that I need freshness beyond this moment but I have to be entirely contained in the tiniest  container conceivable - this moment.

none nothing can snap me out of this strait jacket
further still I have to live without stretching space
in the boredom of no events and hostiles threatening my existence and physical comfort
and I have no space left to be surrounded by my friends I love
and some of my past moments to keep me company
and some anticipated great moments of future.

the content of this moment is not under my control.
they are there without my permission
i can't evict any of them
i can't even evict my self
without leaving out a cell I have to accommodate me,
all my relations, all my time past present and future
all my possessions
all my worlds
qll without leaving nothing.

no option

whatever I may hear see feel reflect and do at this moment I have to bear it without option.

Fly sitting on the axle of chariot

8 horse driven chariot was speeding through a rough terrain it was emitting lot of dust and creating lot of noise sparks from wheels and horse hoof are in abundance.

Sitting on the axle of the wheels - a fly is thinking -

I am particularly violent today!

I am that fly.

Genghis khan

Modern day conquer of the half the world whose dynasty ruled for 250 years came from a central Asia called Mongolia. It still exists and became liberated from communism only several decades back. Mongolian are vegetarian collections of tribes who lived raising cattles and battling among themselves in their region.

Their religion is open Sky freedom of spirit. Genghis was captured slave when he was 13 years old along with his mother and sister. They prevailed his conscience in his adult life. There some fundamental change he brought in battling and conquering. He was first to establish justice system, distant communication and language for the same. He also practiced winning by least bloodshed.

He established propaganda of how intolerant brutal animal Mongols are.

He would for months circulate propaganda and put seize on rulers for months. Letting go people who surrender. Ultimately destroy isolated rulers from their support.

Only change they brought about a Justice System and distant and quick communication to central leadership with distant Mongolia.

He conquered China, India, Russia, half of europe, Iran, etc. half of civilized world without much of army with only fast moving cavalry.

what is next my next moment?

I need to answer this question.

I am trying to predict my next moment with respect to all my memories of moments that can be very faulty.

With respect to current moment that is real and true.

Prediction is based my perceived intelligence on my prediction capability on my finance longevity of me and those I relate to.

My heart loses a number of beats - considering my life and life of others and my financial situation.

Suppose they are worse and that is predictably so - my ability to create interest in me is limited to attract money; similarly my ability to increase my life expectancy?

All these as per my belief.

I don't know what is my future tomorrow but its expectation ruins my today.

Further I have no ability to create tomorrow while I have every ability to destroy my today in order to manufacture tomorrow out of today.

At this point 'moment' comes into picture because today as such is perception of today at this very moment.

While today is any thing but this moment.

This moment is true that is unchangeable.

While is an account of events perceived by me echoing my mind.

It is my disability to create my next moment and thereby predict the same.

However I spoil this moment predicting my next moment thinking that is for sure unpredictable.

Why I am bothered about next moment that I am incapable of making it?

I am suffering from very bad moment that is resonating without stop in this very moment.

This moment is created thus - I have no option but suffer.

As I am doing now.

I have no ability to create any moment good or bad.

I am dried up leaf in between two pages of a book many zillion pages.

talks apart

I realize that

I am incapable of making one moment however bad

I am incapable of changing this moment however bad

I have no choice but bear this moment.

Deluded

Delusion is totally mine

I am not intelligent enough to generalize the same to another person

Frankly all the person in my world are beyond communication to even when they do

Since I only make up story even when they are absolutely silent and dead for ever

And when they speak my mind goes insane and thinks any number of things depending on the time of the day and environment I am in for long afterwards he or she has spoken

When pleasure is entirely mine I think that i am giving pleasure to other(s)

Such is my self deceiving illusion

Without a career

I am a strong professional - all my professional life and I have created technology entirely driven by me.

I have not been part of any large corporation for fairly long time. I believed I could survive by merit and without them.

However wind was blowing in different ways; I survived but as an independent provider. I didn't get sucked into the system.

In my recent years I have worked for companies who provide stuff augmentation services. They have become monopoly, I have no option but work through them.

I am running into ethical issue. I can't be professional and do work against my client's requirement but work for my employers requirement.

I can't change myself not to be professional.

failed state

Part of our world for ages lived on aggressive looting but not cultivation or business.

I have read Baburnama - autobiography of Babur - by culture the values they held as profession to earn living, to organize strike force and loot. The loot is not only food and grains, moveable assets but women too and children as Slaves.

It started with Genghis Khan who showed the way, and was reasonably successful in dominating half of the world for about 250 years.

They are born in that culture. Only binding force for such group formation is faith and religion as it is practiced by the group.

One must learn to live with them and be aware that their lifetime is at most 10 to 50 years. The region is quite vast starting with egypt Africa middle east and a substantial part of Asia. Unsurprisingly the religion practiced ..... that equates violence is the means of reaching God by that the right to be unaccountable. 

It is best that they are kept on isolation since they can't ever be part of long lived civilization. They do not produce but consume.

It is not so very difficult to eliminate the leader but it is useless to do that. The group is not going to change their ways nor you can contain them in prison.

We must learn our lesson from Taliban Libya Egypt - only strategy worthwhile to pursue is to keep them rounded up in small territory in isolation.

Iraq is a failed state, so is Syria, so is many. Let them loot themselves and not loot rest of the world. 

We must isolate them with a Wall - we must not to get involved under no circumstances. This wall must have no gate or channel for communication. Give them freedom to whatever they want. The wall must have written everywhere crossing it sure death by electrocution poison gas and contagious skin disease HIV and they should stay away. Create herbs around the wall moats beyond it and blare microphone of horror stories of what the living hell it is beyond the wall.

All bees have a sting. All barbarian has an AK47 assault Machine gun. Let them manufacture that as many they want but do not supply them one or manufacturing material for creating one as well as gunpowder. 

We must guard civilization and refrain from creating one out of them instead we must keep them in isolation.

I recommend reading of Baburnama he was anephew of Taimulang he had language gift of Taimur - he bares his mind.

I am stripped of all

At this moment I am stripped of all..



It is permanent.

all moments here after are worse beyond my imagination and without end

This is the saddest moment of my life

I saved a lot till this moment
my relations
my many proud and prized moments
many words from many acquittances
many memories
many possessions
my loving body
many favorites
many intelligent deeds
and my pride

But

I can't save even
a single moment
a single cent
a single cell
an intelligent deed
a single memory

for my next moment

I have no ability to create next moment

I have no options but leave all now
I have  no safe - no arc to get to next moment

in my next moment is totally bereft of me and all my love
I have only them - I hate and can't bear

all moments here after are worse beyond my imagination and without end

উপায় নেই

আমি নেই
আমি দেখি দেখি দেখি
আমার শেষ অবিধি
চোখ বন্ধ করে বাচবার উপায় নেই
আমি দেখি দেখি দেখি
দেখার সীমা নেই
কোনো কিছু
বা আমার শেষ
না দেখার উপায় নেই।
আমার কোনো কিছু করার বা না করার
উপায় বা অধিকার নেই
আমার না শোনার না দেখার না শুকার না ছোবার না ভাবার না করার না বলার না লেখার উপায় নেই।
শেষ আমাকে দেখতেই হবে
যা দেখতে চান না তা দেখতেই হবে
কোনো কারন নেই সেই এক মাত্র কারণ ।।

সেই তো সব অমি তো নেই

কারণ আমি জানিনা।
কেন দেখলাম কেন শুনলাম?
না শুনে উপায় নেই
না দেখে উপায় নেই
না ভেবে উপায় নেই
না করে উপায় নেই
আমি জানি আমার বাচার উপায় নেই
তাঁর কোলে বসে তাঁর থেকে বাচব কি করে?
তাঁর চোখ, তাঁর শরীর তাঁর ইন্দ্র তাঁর ভাবনা
আমি কোই আমি কোথায় ?
সেই তো সব অমি তো নেই।

আমি জানি

আমি জানি 'আমি জানিনা'

আমি জানি সব আমি

আমি জানি সব আমার মন গড়া মিথ্যা

আমি জানি 'আমি নেই'

আমি জানি 'আমার কোনো ক্ষমতা নেই'

আমি জানি ' আমি জানিনা আমারই পরের মহুর্ত'

আমি জানি ' আমার নিস্তব্তাটা আমার জ্ঞানের একমাত্র প্রকাশ'

তাঁর দয়ায় আমার এই মুহূর্ত

আমার আর এক মুহুর্ত চাওয়ার কোনো অধিকার নেই ।

আমি জানি আমাকে ।

আমি সত্যি  আমি এই মুহূর্ত আমি বড় নই আমি ছোট নই আমি কিছু নই

আমর উপরে কেও নেই আমার সমান কেও নেই আমার ছোট কেও নেই ।।

I can't ask

There are many in the animal kingdom that they can't ask.

Many had to approach stealthily to eat that did not belong to them.

I am one of the species that multiplied so many times and grabbed every inch of the earth surface and fumed up atmosphere and destroyed species unlimited flora and fauna. It has even dirtied ocean mountains and poles.

No creature on earth is safe from humans. They have brains limbs machines and weapons.

I can't ask for.

I can't ask for a single moment more or less.

I can't ask for a single favor.

I can't ask for what everyone deserve.

I can't ask for protection.

I can't ask for a moment's relief.

I can't ask.

I have to pay for my independence of my thoughts words and action i can't depend.

how to retain godhood despite

How does god retain godhood despite enmass rebellion?

I don't have to explain I tell myself. [i m not seeking]

or point out every punctuation or words and what i wish to convey.

I do not have others to consider my writing even to gloss over or read.

I wished a model of defense of my godhood in the hand of human.

once I was travelling early in the morning in 1987 from Baranagar to Mudiali in kolkata.

It was quite early and sun has not risen. In a locality in a street corner I saw a group of men and women had gathered and they were engaged in delivering judgement to a person tied to a lamp post. He was wearing a Jungian and bare body. He was wearing a Placard - "আমি চোর"

His head was half shaven. People were engaged in pouring "ঘোল" on his head.

His godhood over the gathering could not be diminished by whatever acts might follow nor was he anticipating an end.

I was passing by in a taxi and could not guess how long it was going on - might have been from the time he was born and might as well would go on till his last breath.

Head bent he was god almighty of his world - his stature could not be reduced - by poverty uncovered body torture, shame and insult by his people.

It is obvious that his god has left him. He has no protection and he is his current god. 

বাঙালির পোষাক

আমি বাংলাদেশ ছাড়া প্রায় চল্লিশ বছর
বাংলার সব থেকে প্রিয় জিনিষ বাঙালির পোষাক
গত দু বছর ধরে আমি চেষ্টায় আছি দুটো সাদা সন্তিপুরি ধুতি আর আদ্দির পাঞ্জাবি আনবার সাথে দুটো ঢোলা আন্ডার wear
অনেককে অনেক লিখেছি
কিন্তু পায়নি
আজকে জানলাম এই সখ আমার পূরণ হবে না
এগুলি আর বাংলা দেশে তৈরি হয়না
বাঙালি পুজো পার্বনে এখন মুসলমানের আলখেল্লা পরে আর আমেরিকার জীন পরে

আমি জানিনা

আমি নেই।

সব আমি,
আমি ছাড়া কেও নেই কিছু নেই
আমি বলি সবার কথা,
আমি ভাবি সবার সব  ভাবনা,
সব আমার মন গড়া মিথ্যা।

আমি জানিনা, এটাই এক মাত্র সত্যি।

snake eating

its tail.

tail tip has no sensation but tasty.

this activity reduces length and makes the snake dependent on food in the environment.

mathematically result is disappearance the snake

the whole process is holy in a way that establishes the truth that one is absent.

what is the meaning of 'I am absent'?

All is present?

All is absent?

Answer to either is not relevant when I m absent.

What is important when i make it true - that is, there is time line consisting of moments and I am absent in each and every moment?

if something present and noticeable it is not me who is making all this happen?

a layer of skin over all comes off - it is really a cataract in my eye.

I see for first time that there is no law and no rule.
---------------------------
That I am cataracted and then I shall always be so is a little bit of ray that was forever missing in me. It need never been in this life and could have been delayed to some more life.

I could have been ignorant all my life. I need never know:
I am thoroughly manufactured and all my components are original parts without exception. I or none of my parts can ever malfunction and bear life time warranty and need no service. The same is true about every component discovered and to be discovered. Creator and creation is time invariant inseparable perfection. All events are designed and inescapable.

there is none or nothing worse than me

I had to junk about fifty blogs of mine. Reason they were intellectual and written for some possible audience.

This undermines the goal of achieving innocence and remain innocent.

All that I see and call experience - so called hunger for knowledge must be replaced as hunger for innocence.

I must never try to meet expectations of others  and there is no reason for the same.

I am looking to be slave of one or many.

I must knowingly embrace the life of innocent where I am mistaken in every moment of my life.

it is freedom from knowledge and experience.

It is freedom from from learning.

It is freedom from reaction.

It is freedom from defending me.

It is freedom from my survival.

I have to be without me by action - there is nothing of me that needs defense my thinking my doing my saying.

I have a model - I am a just born baby literally.

But this wont help me since it about myself.

I can't think I know; even if I do, I must not act on my presumption; even if I think I know who or what I am, I can't act on my belief; even if I think I know what one or many think about me, I can't act on my belief.

I truly know that I don't know and there is no way to practice this knowledge show my knowledge and act on my knowledge without maintaining silence and no action even when I am fired cheated insulted or attacked by human animal or machine.

I DO NOT KNOW.

THIS HAS TO BE A VOW TO MYSELF WITH ACTION AND DEMONSTRATION TO MYSELF WITH OUT WORDS THOUGHTS MOVEMENT EXPECTATION AND NO FUTURE PLAN OF ACTION.AT THIS VERY MOMENT.

I DON'T KNOW and I must never lie - about me or anyone or anything or my beliefs - my beliefs are 110% lie

I must not hide and must not show must not talk

there is no reason to talk

with all those writing above if I am claiming that I have some ability ...............

however it is false claim..............

I am without any ability worse than single cellular amoeba ....

I can't think say do write or move a single muscle or blow a speck of microscopic dust - 

i am nothing worse than any - subatomic particle

i have no existence

i can't even presume ..............

if I expect again it is not me 

i m incapable of such great deed

i can't even b diseased

i m not allowed

my inability

Here are list of things that I can't do:

I can't unsee

I can't see beyond what I have seen

I can't remember beyond what I remember

I can't do more than what I did

I can't undo

i am nothing in now

one and only and static

i am absolute

all makes appearance or disappearance without my choice

i may try my best not to have choice

but i have no choice

I must see all as they are i have no other choice and that includes my inability to see all as they are and keep quiet

i m nothing my status can't change