one on one

I was woken up moved to the core and my perplexity to cope with the situation persisted for long time even after tea and lazy doing. I learnt of my incapacity to survive my own. It is impossible but I have to. This dose was personally administered to me by who else.

The dream:

I am trying to learn to drive a bike. This is a new bike and was with me for some time. I know all the essentials. Balancing, risk of being stranded with bike in an unknown place without any support. Bike's essentials - fuel valve, ignition key, kick start, acceleration in the handle, new engine hardly makes any noise of engine firing, over flooding, my old age and exhaustion, and human assistance for limited time.

I give up - I am past stage of learning.

I have no option but face my own death seeing the same with my own eyes. A distance away it my personal-me who shall not come to receive or assist me till I am dead. That has plugged all the routes of escape.

I remember the story of Casablanca standing on the burning deck - his father asked him to wait and he is waiting. All have left - father has not come - ship is in fire and burn him to death and sink for ever with no trace of him.

I can no longer be me whatever I may think I am.   

Butcher is wrong word

Ever since (private) me has appeared in my life, it is the end of future for (public or terrestrial ) me

similar to end of night at the appearance of morning light and night shall not come till sun is set

however personal me shall never set - public-me sees does thinks whatever is shown made to do or made to contemplate - I am less than a puppet - I have no existence

I am made to feel each and every moment - dose administered personally by personal-me I can't blame nor I can't show him to any - I have to own the blame without option and bear in silence

nothing ever is modifiable or unthought or unseen - no going back but always forward march towards my annihilation and I can't expect the same

Personal-me is before world, before time, before truth, and after truth

Personal-me is without before or after

[that's cruelty and thirst for life knows no bound - maniac butcher nuclear bomb avalanche earthquake tsunami nadir death ...all words are less to describe him...he is the inventor of life and consumer of life...that is the meaning]

Measure of Public-me

I know of existence of me - very personal and never exposed to any.

I am not talking about the knowledge of personal-me.

I am talking about public-me that is exposed to at least one or more people. Public-me has many needs.

Public-me is a physical entity that any can communicate irrespective of I understand or acknowledge.

Public-me exposes by way of communication its need:

Metabolic - food excretion sleep
Shelter from environmental calamity
Fun of living - games

Needs are measurable - financial time people

Can I be content with the creative ability of personal-me to satisfy public-my needs?

Personal-me has no need yet it creates for public-me endlessly every moment - all my time money and shelter are pre-created for public-me to enjoy fun shelter and life.

I shall be having neither if that not be done.

Is measure of public-me how fat is my bank balance, how healthy I am physically, and comfortable is my shelter?

Or how comfortable I am about my personal-me that I have no need to measure privately - public-me's expectation of continued fun shelter and living?

defending indefensible and impossible

Truth is here and now

What I see is created ground up from me my words and my images and thus entirely conceived by me.

I have no option but perceive all as they are. I can't prevent perceiving.

All is me or what I think. All is nothing regardless of what I think.

I am my fiction.

I am unlike all without words name image or description. I am truth.There is no one and nothing besides me.

It is perfection of perfection

it is absolute still.

there is no noise. no perception.

still

a split - a sensor and a perception and a collection. did i hear something/ did I see something? perceptor is perception.

a consciousness

any noise is reflected perfectly and it is not possible to determine what is original and what is reflection.

It is my world

||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
               |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
                     |||||||||
                       |||
                        |

                        |
                       |||
                     |||||||||
               |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 

what see near my home?

I see my excitements and there is no option not seeing them even if that my cause of my death.
[ Daw's father perfectly healthy and wealthy] died receiving a telephone bill with wrong amount. He could not contain his excitement. Chhorda was excited by all the people visited him in the hospital. He could not help but get excited. I get excited with any monetary loss.]
My excitement I have to see. While theoretically it is possible to see only my excitements and not act but the ability might be far off. No one or device could gauge my excitement though may exist. Whether that may reduce my excitement I do not know.
My excitements are entirely work of my art. Basis however is contemporary clients of mine - all humans I know. I also assume they represent their own known group where they discuss about me. They too no existence beyond. So on. They all are my excitements too and i have no option but recognize them. I have wired myself that way.
Ultimately The base where I have no recognition and no excitement.
What is my cure or solution for my continuous fever?
[babar could voluntarily take humayun's fever to himself curing humayun] 

feel good

If I am to feel good that I am in heaven and there is no king of heaven. I must necessarily assume I am good and doing good; also all is good and beneficial to me - if I wish to waste my power to change my environment in heaven.
If I am to feel bad that I am in hell and there is a king of hell. I must necessarily assume I am bad as per rule of hell and all is bad and intend to torture me rest of my life. It is waste of my power of imagination.
Alternative to both - 'I am nothing' no particular imagination required. 'all is nothing' no particular imagination required.

isomorphism

Isomorphism is a difficult concept for even mathematicians who spend too much time with it to establish their point of view to other mathematicians to see and approve. It is not two copies of the same news paper. It is the same news paper (object) seen by two individuals. Their perception are quite different and the object does not matter.
Lot of our prediction system based on our perception of the same object say environment even at a given location say an university or a village. All the conjectures and realities however rewarding (number of Nobel Prizes). Essentially they are isomorphic even though we do not know any two individuals from the same group.
I shall give some illustrations to make this clear. I declare first I do not know.
It is commonly held belief and substantiated with photos that earth is round or near sphere and it shares the common sky sun and moon globally. We explain seasons, global warming, and predict eclipses.
We may as well think earth is flat as we believed for many centuries in the near past doing all those we are doing now thinking it not flat. Kepler spent his life time trying accommodate four perfect solids between five plants and sun.
Perhaps many centuries shall pass before we reject relativity theories (mantra) that we are adopting in social sciences too because of isomorphism - living in the same culture and time.
It is possible to think that earth is a diamond cut with multiple faces and harmonize all observations on each cut that does not contradict its past and present experience and predict its future course of events.
One of the fundamental belief among university educated is 'Time is a line'. Some intellectual among them even say Time is Cycle - history repeats - for their sake - so that they can repeat themselves in any crowd all their life.
No harm and no gain either since truth is independent of both.
Time can as be well inside of a hollow pipe with rings that one may cycle endlessly or jump to some other ring; or have spiral motion as you please or just straight ahead linear.Adopting any you shall be able to write many books and rewarded for scientific thinking. but truth shall remain unchanged and independent. Time as an object is independent what isomorphic view one has. Time might as well be without dimension devoid of mathematical interpretation or common knowledge. 

home

what is my definition of home?

The residence belongs to me and not rented or shared. No tax no liabilities. I don't have to attend nor I have to open. I am not answerable. I can be as I please - nude nasty insensible rude savage non-social private - ban all. I do as I please what happens in outside world does not reach me.

it is essential to know my home.

I am constructing my home at my heart where i can retire without notice without reason for ever - now here and not answerable to any. I have everything I need in my home. The space belonged to me. It is free - no rent no tax no liability. It is also my home office. I do as i please without any accountability.

I am absolute here and now is my home.

navigating to home

GPS an intelligent device that without assistance from human traveller helps navigate human to reach destination. it does so well that Joya used to think it is some human guiding us.

I saw carl sagan's contact about 14 years back. in this film a girl obsessed about her father's death took to communicating with intelligent being if any in the cosmos. cosmos too is incidentally a three part 14 one hour serial by carl sagan. The girl became an astronomer was successful in getting a blue print design of space vehicle by which she may travel to the planet of superior intelligence. With government aid such a vehicle is made and she was on board. She was ejected in space but for rest of the world her space vehicle dropped to earth surface only from elevation where it was mounted. For few seconds she was weightless falling a many hours drama was video recorded in the vehicle - her travel and meeting with the superior intelligence in appearance her father in an island they visited in her childhood.

I am navigating towards the center of my universe. on the way I am seeing everyday objects as anybody does. They are isomorphic to objects seen by anybody. thus it is an illusion that we share and talk about and study in universities. At the center of my universe it is reality or truth absolute and not relative that differs in detail.

My unique GPS guides me to that center. The measure is distance from center. my lack of joy.

vivek churamoni

In Chittaranjan I spent my childhood and school years, and my sense perceptions were built ground up there. Most of activities were my creations without precedence and some were with my friends. I used to be collector. My collections were stones of all kinds from many days of lonely hunting in the hills and river beds in the surrounding landscape. 

Chittaranjan had a  hill top water reservoir and a nearby water filtering unit. Top of the hill had a rotating light that can be noticed many miles away.

It is my concept of Vivek churamoni - I am referring to the essay by Adi Shankaracharya. That shining existence in my heart that creates a moment that I see and impossible to not see it.

My world has been constructed piece by piece over 64 years or even before, while I was conceived in my mother's womb. What I learnt  till now can't be changed hereafter. 

It is impossible to change my world and me. I can't protect myself and prevent no perception. I can change none either with my words actions or thoughts. I can't prevent thinking nor doing. I am automaton.

'Timeless' is the only author of my world. I have no option but live within its supply of events especially written for me however scanty and defective. I had no choice then and have no choice now. As the days pass I shall personally see my cancer spread.

I can not predict.

কথা নয়

ক্ষণেকের আনন্দ এখন যেমন তেমন 

জানা অজানা

সব আমার জানা শুধু আমি ছাড়া
সব এখন আমার সমান আনন্দ
আমি না হলে আমি নই
অজানা
কিছু নেই ক্ষনিকের বিলুপ্তিও নেই যে
জানার
সবার শেষে  সবার প্রথেমে
অকল্পনীয় অভাবনীয়
আমি অজানা 

self discovery

Unknown?
There is one and only one unknown it this world - it is me among all knowns truly. I know nothing about me except is completely unknown to me. THEORY
" I am the unknown. I enjoy all (my knowledge my perception). I can't be any other. I am true - not my assumption. I am absolute - unique. I can not 'not enjoy' all and be me as well." PRACTICE

Time?
There is no time except now.

Knowledge?
Perception as is - my knowledge.

Universal?
'Some one is perceiving as I am perceiving' is my assumption. Many perceiving the same object is an assumption on isomorphism in many world for the same object.

Assume from a fixed point if that be possible making video recording of sun earth and moon.
Assume spirally moving point taking video of sun earth moon.
All our equipments and tools assume isomorphism though for video recording. A and B observing the same video recording are seeing the same thing. A and B simultaneously record the same in WORDS. They may agree to uniqueness of words describing the video. Establishing ISOMORPHISM. Universal. Mathematics is one such universal. Platform for communication. Mathematics is not true

রাজার রাজার হুকুম

এই রাজার রাজার রাজত্বে
সব এখন আমার কাছে সমান আনন্দ
কোনো রাজার কোনো নিয়ম আর চলবে না
আমারও না
সমান আনন্দ না ভাবলে
আমার ততক্ষনাত গর্দান
এই রাজার রাজার হুকুম
অষ্টপ্রহর প্রহরী আমার পেছনে দাড়ানো
তার চোখের আড়ালে যাবার উপায় নেই
 ভাবার  আগেই মাথা নেই

Who is me? What is my source? What is my destination. What is all? What is Truth? Is truth material and perceptible?

me and my automation
As soon as a thought appears in my mind I have automated myself to a process - each involving thought plan and action. Supposedly to benefit me materially. In the automation I am programmed to create a sense of euphoria my superiority over others. Others too is my objects and has no existence beyond me. Euphoria too is my object and does not have any existence beyond me. The process keeps me on watch for some events related my original thought. When expectation is not fulfilled within a time elapse calculated, I driven to send signals to others to reach euphoria - the goal of my thought. Goal Time all are my objects and have existence beyond me. nothing is beyond me while all is in me. There is no way to abort a plan. My plans are already in place and I have no option but go through the plan every moment. I have another action plan in place to observe my thoughts generated from my actions without any further plan. My success is guaranteed since I in the first place created thought plan action automation perpetual wheel and I drive that every moment.Moment too is my object has no existence beyond me. I have sensory objects - they too do not have existence beyond me. They are designed to perceive what I am looking and they generate thoughts as programmed by me. Here are my objects for my sensor to recognize and generate my thoughts - Computer (email facebook news Program) TV Phone People Shop Book. I am set into plan action sensor thought cycle by the sensor 'I have nothing to do' 'bored' - no excitement from my body sensors - touch taste sex smell eyes or ears. Me too is an object that has no existence outside.I am final ultimate endless and absolute. no sensor no plan no action no thought can aid me. I have nowhere to go. no parent no root only offsprings as many I wish I create all and destroy all. All is my anondo same as me same as I. I am anondo. all is me in me. all is anondo - the same anondo unchanged from before time and shall remain unchanged after time - absolute truth.

The above is my careful indiscriminating observation of me my thoughts my sensors and my automated process without any further action plan.

এ সব আমার নিজের চোখে দেখা কানে শোনা নয় বই পড়া নয় উপলব্ধি নয় সব আমাতে জন্ম আমাতে মৃত্যু আমাতে বৃদ্ধি আমাতে লয় আমি আনন্দ একমাত্র আনন্দ একমাত্র সত্য যার সৃষ্টি নেই বিনাশ নেই যা কখনো বদলাবে না কল্পনা নয় সব আনন্দ সদা আনন্দ অকৃত্রিম আনন্দ

সবাই আনন্দে নাচতে নাচতে আসবে আনন্দ বিলোবে আনন্দে নাচতে নাচতে যাবে আমারই কেবল আসার জায়গা নেই যাবার জায়গা নেই নাচার কোনো সুযোগ নেই

আমার সব জ্ঞান আমার সব চিন্তা আমার সব দেখা আমার সব করা আমার সব শোনা আমার সব উপলব্ধি হওয়ার কালিতে লেখা পড়ার আগেই মিলিয়ে যায় 

Absolute amount

I receive in every moment an absolute amount of indivisible unclassifiable immeasurable unique divine perception (আনন্দ ) without precedence without choice. It is not transferable or can't be saved or not received. I can't but enjoy this very moment without option and without comparison and without modification without delay.

I did for last forty years what I loathed to do. It is to stop an event from happening. The event belongs to the class Loss. What I resume to have just now.
Without delay I get into action to prevent that happening. I have fever.
I have to enjoy this loathing of mine. I have to enjoy doing the prevention. If possible enjoy possible loss even though it is 100% if I don't act immediately.
In the same vein can I enjoy gain or more gain in future without acting? Can I enjoy the delay in acting or not acting at all?

It is possible to see my thoughts without acting and enjoy the same.

What remains is practice and enjoy my absence.

total silence in all media now

সব কিছু ঠিক ঠাক আছে

এখন আমার কাছে সব আর সবাই সমান আনন্দ - এক মুহূর্ত দেরী না করে সেটাই আমাকে নিজের চোখে দেখেতে হবে না হলে ভলে যাব। ভুলে গেলে অবস্য ক্ষতি নেই  কারণ সব কিছু ঠিক ঠাক আছে বেঠিক হবার উপায় নেই।

আনন্দ হচ্ছে সত্যের প্রকাশ যেমন সৃষ্টি হচ্ছে স্রষ্টার প্রকাশ

সত্য হচ্ছে স্রষ্টার একমাত্র বাসস্থান

"সব কুছ ঠিক ঠাক হায়"   - ছোরদা 

আমার লক্ষ্য

এখন আমার লক্ষ্য :- সত্যের আনন্দ

'আমার কাছে সব সব সব সমান আনন্দ' আমার নিজেরই চর্ম চোখে সত্যকে দেখা এখনই এই মুহুর্তে কোনো  সাহায্য ছাড়া। না দেখলেও ক্ষতি নেই কারণ সব কিছু ঠিক ঠাক আছে বেঠিক হবার উপায় নেই।  

আমি ধ্রুব

আমি ধ্রুব - নিস্তব্দ নিস্পন্ধ নিশব্দ শূন্য - আমার অব্স্থান হৃদযে - আমি কম বেশি দুখী খুশী বা কোনো কিছু বা কেও হতে পারি না - আমার কোনো নিকট বা বিপরীত সাথী বা সাহায্য  নেই - সব আমার আনন্দ - আমার প্রয়োজন নেই।

I am the absolute

I am bliss

I am truth

I am nothing

CAN I BE DEAD NOW?

GOAL:

I must accept without looking for any other option - all as they are without any further thought words or (re)action and without waiting any further.

Can I achieve this goal now?

Can I enjoy my absence for all time to come?

Can I control my temptation to return to make any change ever in future?

CAN I BE DEAD NOW?

সবাই চলে গেছে সব কিছু চলে গেছে 
আমি সুধু সুধু আমি 
মৃত
নিজের দেহটা যে চিতায় তুলব তা সম্ভব হলো না 
যা হবার তা হবে 
কত কথা শুনতে হবে 
চিররিনি থাকতে হবে আমার মরা পুড়ানোর জন্য 
সময় নেই বলেছে এখনই 
অনেক দুরের পথ 
চলছি সাথে দেখলাম ফিরে 
আমার অস্তিত্য 
সাথে নিয়ে আসা ভবনা 
আমার কি হবে 
কোনো কিছু করার উপায় নেই 
আমি চির নিরান্দ আমি 

একটি বিন্দু

উত্স্য

হৃদকমলে একটি বিন্দু

কি অপার্থিব তার রূপ আর মাধুর্য

ত্রিভুবন অসর্গিক রূপে প্রকাশিত

সৃষ্টি নব নুতন সাজে সজ্জিত

নির্মল নানা রঙে রঞ্জিত

সর্গিক সৌরভে সুরোভিত

অসীম সুরে ছন্দে শরীর চমকিত মন আনন্দিত  

ছোরদা

ছোরদা এসেছিল

কে জানি পাঠিয়েছে দেখেতে

সব কিছু ঠিক ঠাক আছে কিনা

আমার সাথে সময় কাটাল কিছুক্ষণ

আমি বললাম সাহায্যের দরকার নেই

যা করার আমি একাই করব 

কোজাগরী

কোজাগরী পূর্ণিমা 

সবাই ঘরের বাইরে 

এক বিন্দু অমৃত ঝরবে 

আকাশ থেকে 

আমি ঘরে 

জেগে উঠলাম 

কি জানি হচ্ছে 

আমার দেহে 

summary

After 10 years of non-elected PM we have an elected PM with non-elected super ministers - some with as many as three ministries (Finance Defense Commerce) - some school drop out looking after HR that monitors among other education system and employment. New PM has scant regards for economics - planning to scrap planning commission and replace with 50 model villages with sanitation. He celebrated his birthday in his home town with Chinese president while Chinese started occupying Indian territory. Chinese President asked PLA to prepare for regional war.

PM has come to US to demonstrate his abstinence and austerity but seeking funds and partnership. Indian achievement guided by him is 0.5% industrial growth, and INR @ 61 to $1. Disastrous performance in recent polls and collapse of his parties partnership with like minded parties for future polls. His showcase governance of Gujarat state is about lowest performing among other states in health poverty elimination education and vast irrigable land and livelihood is/will be lost due to bad or no water resources planning.

His speeches are unplanned scripted from his head. PM has very similarity with Aurangzeb the last of Moguls who was devout Muslim earned his living from copying Qu'ran and whose body rests below 6 sq yards of land with no structure above it unlike all other Mogul emperors.

Once upon a time there used to be me

I wish I could mend my fence
I wish I could open my door
I wish I could close my door
All may leave or enter as you please
Once upon a time there used to be me

সত্যি

মহাভারতের কথা অমৃতের সমান শুনে ধন্য হয় যত পুন্যবান

কত কিছুর জন্য লোকে মারা যায় - কিছু সম্মান জনক - লোকার্থে

মহাভারত ভর্তি সেই সব মহামানবদের কীর্তি আর তাদের সম্মান জনক মৃর্ত্যু

মহাভারতে আছে আরো কিছু মহামানবের কথা যাদের এখনো মৃত্যু হয়নি - ব্যাস পরশুরাম কৃপা অশ্বথামা বালি হনূমান বিভীষণ - ব্যাস এখনো লেখে জন হিতার্থে, পরশুরাম এখনো মারে অজাতিকে, কৃপা এখনো পওয়া যায় আজাচিত, মানুষ পশু এখনো বর্তমান অন্ধকারে নির্জনে, ভিত্তি এখনো নড়ে পৃথিবী জয়ের বাসনায়, বিশ্বাস এখনও আছে পরামানন্দে, বিস্বাস্ঘাতকরা এখনো জন্মায় একই মায়ের গর্ভে

মহাভারত হচ্ছে একজনের কথা - যার নিজের জন্ম বৃত্যান্ত  (মহাভারত সেই শ্রুতি) শোনার পরে তার মৃত্যু (লোকার্থহীন) হয়েছে  - জন্মজয়

মহাভারতের আছে এক জনের কথা যার কখনো মৃত্যু হবেনা  কারণ সে সত্যি  জন্মের আগে এবং পরে  - যুধির্ষ্ঠির - লোকার্থহীন

মহাভারতে আছে  আর একজনের কথা - যুগান্তরকারী কৃষ্ণ - সবার অন্তরে সে প্রতিষ্ঠিত সবাইকে করে সে প্রভাবিত - আকৃষ্ট বা বিকৃষ্ট  - হয় নূতন ভাব ধারার আগমন আর  পুরাতন ভাব ধারার  গমন -  প্রচলন হয় বেদান্ত  - শ্রুতি - বেদ  হয়  স্মৃতি  -  ইতিহাস

কৃষ্ণ - যুগান্তকারী  এখনো জন্মায় সত্য লোকার্থহীন হয় - হৃদয়ঙ্গম হয় - বেদান্ত প্রতিষ্ঠা হয়

সত্যি আনন্দ সৃষ্টি আর সৃষ্টিকর্তা এক অভিন্য এবং বর্তমান প্রত্যেক সৃষ্টির হৃদয়ে -  সত্যের প্রকাশ জগত নিদ্রা স্বপ্ন  -  সত্যি বা আনন্দ উপলব্ধি না করে নিষ্কৃতি নেই - সত্য বা আনন্দ বদলানো যায়না - সত্য বা আনন্দ সময়হীন - সত্য বা আনন্দ লোকার্থহীন

সত্য অসীম - না করে উপায় নেই না দেখে উপায় নেই না ভেবে উপায় নেই - দেখতেই হয় করতেই হয় ভাবতেই হয় - পালানোর সব পথ বন্ধ - আমি মিথ্যা - শক্তিহীন ক্ষমতা হীন

আনন্দ

তুমি বল আমি শুনি
আমি বলি তুমি শোনো
আমি নিশব্দ তুমি বোঝো
তুমি নিশব্দ আমি বুঝি
তোমার আমার বন্ধন
তোমার আমার মিলন
আনন্দ 

নিত্য সঙ্গী

নিত্যনতুনের সাথে পরিচয় হলো
দেখে চোখ জুরালো
প্রসাদে পেট ভরলো
শুনে  মন শান্ত  হলো
মিলনে দেহ স্থব্দ হলো
আশা ফুরোলো
দরকার মিটলো
সম্পর্কের শেষ হলো
ভূতের ভয় ছাড়ল
জানার শেষ হলো
ভাবনা মিটলো
হৃদ কম্প বন্ধ হলো ।

জ্ঞান বুদ্ধি হীন হলো ইন্দ্রিয়
নির্মল হলো শরীর
পবিত্র হলো মন

দেখলাম

অনেক অনেক দেখলাম
দেখলাম অতীত দেখলাম ভবিষ্যত দেখলাম এখন
অনেক হাটা হলো ভাবা হলো লেখা হলো বলা হলো করা হলো
মনে হয় না আমার আর কিছু হবে
আশা নেই
বাচবার উপায় নেই

বাচাবার উপায় নেই
প্রাণ না স্মৃতি না বুদ্ধি না ক্ষমতা না সম্মান না
পায়ের তলায় মাটি না
মাথার উপর ছাদ না
আত্মীয় না পরিচয় না

আমি এখন কি?

ভর না ভার না
দেখলাম অদৃষ্ট
শুনলাম নিশব্দ
জানলাম অজানা
যা জানাবার উপায় নেই
যা ভাবার উপায় নেই

কিছুই না।

আর সব?

কিছু নয়
যা ভাবি তাই
না ভাবার উপায় আছে
না বলার উপায় আছে

দেখা দেখা দেখা .......সবই আমার মন গড়া আমি।

কার কাছে কি চাইব?
কি সপ্ন দেখব?
কি আশা করব?
উপর ওয়ালা আমি
এক হাতে রান্না করি
অন্য হাতে খাই

porter turned sadhu

I heard it from my eldest brother.

A porter at Kishorganj station stopped being a porter.

He sat before the station silently.

He became an object of notice.

Some sat before or beside him before proceeding.

Some started asking for blessings.

He had nothing to give.

He would pick some dust of road and give.

My father too came to know of him.

He came with a coconut.

Sadhu got up and lamented

You needed not come -

I only give dust

I have nothing

don't you see.

what do i see

my thoughts

my surroundings

the horizon

the sky above

.....

আকাশ

আমি  আকাশ

আমি আনন্দ

সব সর্বাঙ্গ আনন্দ সর্বসময়

আমি অনন্ত

সব আকাশ 

sruti

its a Sanskrit word that has been heard. We do hear so many things what is so special?
Sruti is that once heard you shall not forget - often in the course of your life you shall find it appearing before you. Indian epics Ramayana or Mahabharata falls in this category. you need never read them but if you ever heard any piece from it - you shall remember and certainly it shall come to your consciousness many times in your life thereafter.
Origin of Sruti is another classic literature imparted directly from guru to disciple in the olden days. They are Upanishads - sit beside me (and listen). If you ever read any Upanishads and have a researching mind. It shall get embedded in your mind like leech. It shall fall off when somethings clicks in your mind - like a missing piece of jigsaw puzzle makes a picture complete - aha!
here is very smart and tiny one from Upanishads.
'OM has four legs for its stability - we know the three of them - sleep dream and wake.'
btw, I have just chosen to represent that can't be pronounced and reference only with two English alphabet. it refers to the missing leg that renders self sustaining stability. OM is not even a Sanskrit letter or word.

i have no future

I never had future

I m in a voyage without future

how can I be quiet

How can I be quiet

there are infinitely many reasons for my loud outbursts

there are many prescription such as counting 100 before doing

i can't learn silence

unless i observe it now at this moment discounting all calls for breaking my silence

i write out of fear

my fear of unknown is persistent

i think i reduce it by writing

i reason with me by writing

one of the reason comes from upanishad

when a tree is brought down by severing it in the trunk - it come back to life because of its root

when a man is struck down by death how he can be reborn again?

there is world after the end of the world!

this world came into sight from within

within has the capacity to create any world many world - every world is new fresh moment

~ insallah

Shankara prescribes - perceive all as they are - there is no other options.

trembling in fear in the slightest bridge how do I still my body or mind mind a view my trembling without doing nothing?

shankara's prescription is useless - i can't even leave my past behind without acting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My silence however desirable

I can't ascertain my silence however desirable by me.

I can't keep my public image untainted or unblemished.

I shall cry in future publicly.

I shall anguish in public in future.

i shall blame in public in future.

i shall be nervous breakdown in public.

i shall hide from any in future.

.....

My behavior in public is not in my control however I may desire.

My public behavior is not in my control as much as my future as much as my present.

Present is my assumption already null and void but not in my knowledge. None is obliged to even inform me.

I can research past unearth may truths but false (my assumptions - my story) too can't be changed.

I am Not in my control.

However this does not mean - I am NOT Controlled.

My controller is playing football with me - soaring me high in self esteem and bringing me down in my self esteem with no botheration about what and how I feel about his kicks on my butt.

I need not expect but i ll expect.

i need not expect but i ll witness horror in person destroying my body and mind, my sense of well being and stability.

pressure

I am building a machine to capture my stress over time automatically something like cardiograph and capture my current thought.

one is computer and my writing in blog.

I can time my blog and its content.

One indicates the urgency and the other indicates my struggle release my tension.

The stress is my future.

The stress is directly proportional to my assumption on my life and its dependence on the continued supply of its resources.

It is entirely my hypothesis the importance of money supply for my continued living.

It is possibly far important than money is my continued operation of my heart.

I am not sure what is more important to me my brain or heart.

There are other body parts.

Do I start taking care of them?

At this point, I am lazy and do not wish to indulge in any operation now in order to ascertain my future continuity and living.

I have my terms and condition for living in this world.

my laziness to abide my terms and conditions of any for my continuity.

This does not mean my pressure is reduced.

I have no options but continue to listening and seeing the pressure getting built up in me - I show my tantrum or in the extreme cases I start writing my blog.

My only activity allowed by me to compose myself as a preparation for next moment being unprepared.

I do not expect.

misconception

Me is my misconception

I blame it on others

but i looked forward to association and i identified with events

in the absence of i - i is all events and they can't be and never shall be

if i identify with entire perceptions of mine

it still is less than me

in the same way false is less than truth

 yet it can be indicator to what is truth

it includes all perceptions of mine and my capacity to perceive

fear is misconception of me

there is no reason for my fear

my fear is dust compared to unlimited universe and beyond - simply the sky that includes earth sun sleep dream people and fear

can a clever trap eliminate me

can clever cheating eliminate me

can gun put in my head and fired by any eliminate me

can i eliminate me by jumping from tall rise

can gravity eliminate me

can disastrous collision eliminate me

can disease eliminate me

can death eliminate me

can abject poverty eliminate me

can failure eliminate me

can my loneliness eliminate me

can anything or anyone eliminate me

can I, my misconception, eliminate me

who is immortal

সব আমি ধরে আছি ছেড়ে দিলেও তারা যায় না  ছোট হতে হতে মিলিয়ে যায়

আমি ছেড়ে দিলে আমিও যাই

সত্য চির স্থায়ী

সত্যের না আছে আগে না আছে পরে

কান বন্ধ করে চোখ বন্ধ করে স্পর্শ না করে

নিজেকে বাচিয়ে

কাওকে বাঁচিয়ে

সত্য না দেখা অসম্ভব

যেতে দিতে হবেই চিরকালের জন্যে

সত্য আছে আমি নেই

i prevent none and nothing [i m trying to prevent forgetting]

Living with unknown

years and many lives i have lived with unknown and been seeing the spectacular compositions of the same.

I wonder what is in my store in my next moment - is it a surprise or repetition

i do nothing - i am afraid i may filter a surprise by my doing and i stop new from being born

i crave for new - places people events

i refrain from celebrating anniversaries and remembering horrors and horrible departure from repititions

i have made a will

I gather all of me and my world

put it in the roulette - at number any

and gamble

if they are back in any folds

they shall be gambled away the moment if any is back

i have made a will

What is troubling me

White beam light at the center of me exposes all troubling experiences

my inability to look at divine experience as divine and i m in trouble

i m in the mosquito land infested with mosquito

i can't kill them all

they would smell me

as i did once in badrinath

even when he is total silent i hunted him out

so did another old man

and disturbed him in his work

so much so he faced all of us three with one question

whom to appeal for bad deed of nature

famine quake avalanche flood storm and fire

disease old age poverty and death

how do i protect myself

who should i complain if bearable

the beam of light at my center has exposed me

it shall annihilate me and the shadow i cast

no one wind water fire ... disease age death possession can't obstruct this light and cast any shadow

i view all all and all no exception

i m not there I must view that

what is my agenda

 সব দেখব সব  জানব 

viewing is must

i have no option but view my own hypothesis and moved by the same and feel good or bad by its correctness - the static permanent beam of light reveals all dusts of my experience

pretense of doing good

All these days I had pretense of doing good to others.

Now I need do good exclusively for me.

I must do nothing.

till it disappears

bubbles surfaces up to my notice and disappears
i view its movement till it is there
it is there if i don't wish to notice

viewing

if I reject viewing what I must view - this I do when i am not silent - I m burdened.

In this moment - if i am in doubt - i must view my doubt till i am able to view rest of surroundings - the meaning of doubt is me - while i am not there. Viewing makes doubt disappear all by itself.

I can't be doubt!

viewing make all disappear since i am not them or any of them.

viewing make me disappear with respect to others (what others think I am)

I am wrong if I think myself any entity other than Peerless ancestor less - the creator.

If i view any one thinking that I have peer I have parent and I am created - this i must view.

If i am unable to view that means I am angry aggrieved excited afraid and looking for change of scenario. I m paralyzed. I must my paralysis till i am lot paralyzed. Among other things - I am not my body. I am not my mind. I am not intelligent.

I am not absent.

I am not present.

i must view that I am not - I am not not .....I am not not not....  

Dreams

What is best film ever that I have seen?

I have watched many thousands films.

Many I enjoyed immensely and watched many times. I possessed them for a while till I extracted every bit of enjoyment out of it.

As soon as the question appeared in my mind - I knew the answer.

Dreams by Akira Kurosawa.

There are seven of them.

One dream that of a child where the child can't take the accusation from other inhabitants of nature for destruction of cherry orchard by humans and breaks into grief.

One that of a military commander because of him, his squadron got eliminated. Their ghosts haunt him and he orders them to the past.

One that of adventure where a troop of mountainairs faced with avalanche and bitter cold and gets buried by snow only to be revived by touch of loving supernatural angel - hope.

One that of art enthusiast getting into time of Van Gogh witnessing his furious painting of moments of reality.

One that of folly of humanity destroying life support system of this world - the nuclear disaster - the inability to harness energy unleashed by chain reaction.

The last dream that living harmoniously with nature - the heaven the earth is if only we do not ask more than what nature gives us naturally.

In my facebook site I have some snippets of Dreams of Akira.

যা হবার তা হবেই না হবার কোনো উপায় নেই

যা হবার তা হবেই না হবার কোনো উপায় নেই

I can't remember this since every moment is preconstructed before it comes to my knowledge.

I can't stop receiving the moment.

Each and every moment is THE and there is no alternative.

ভাবালে ভাবি
করালে করি
দেখালে দেখি
নাচলে নাচি
উপায় নেই
পুতুলের অস্তিত্য আছে
আমার নেই
সে সব

There is space within heart it is the home of creator

না জানা টাও জানা 

আমি নেই - এখন

আমি না থাকলে সবার কাজ কম হয়
আমি না থাকলে আমার জন্য কাওকে কিছু করতে হয়না
আমার হাত নেই
আমার পা নেই
আমার মন নেই
আমার বুদ্ধি নেই
আমার বোধ নেই
আমার শক্তি নেই
আমার জ্ঞান নেই
আমার ধন নেই
আমার বল নেই
আমার ক্ষমতা নেই
আমার স্মৃতি নেই
আমার শরীর নেই
আমার লোক নেই
আমার লজ্জা নেই
আমার সাহস নেই
আমি কেও নই
আমি কিছু নই
আমি নেই  - এখন

I should stop writing

 but I can't.
It is unfortunate that I lost my control during the course of my life's journey.
I got mixed up.
I would like to stay away from many because I get excited and I don't like to get excited.
Timeline is a snake it starts at nothing and ends in me now.
My body is exposed to attack by any one I meet now.
I am a snake and I can't defend my body. I can't eat away my body.
I can only leave it exposed to torture and I am touched.

কারণ জানিনা

কখনো হাসি
কখনো কাদি
কখনো রাগী
কখনো জলি
কখন শান্ত
কখন শ্রান্ত
কখন ক্লান্ত
কখন ভিত
কখন নির্ভিক
কখন ঘুমন্ত
কখনো ব্যথিত
কখনো মোহিত
কখনো লালসিত
কখনো গর্বিত
কখনো উন্মাদ
কখনো নির্বাক
কখন জাগ্রত
কখন লজ্জিত
কখনো অসুস্থ
কখনো খারাপ
কখনো ভালো
.
.
.
আমি দেখি যা জানি পছন্দ মতন
আমি কি দেখেছি 'আমি জানি না'  -
আমার সব জানার আগে ?

কারণ

আমি সবাইকে সব কিছু বলার ভাবার আর করার অধিকার দিয়ে বসে আছি

আমার সব কিছু পাবার অধিকার  আর সবই আমার সম্মান সবই আমার আনন্দ



F0 (x)  = I do not know
FN (x) = FN-1 (x)

I shall never know - I am a born idiot who shall never know

creator is background

none i am aware asks any questions except human being.
always there is some exception.
why?
otherwise one is not aware - human is not aware.
while all is aware of background that is god or creator, only human is not aware and they write and talk most and think most of god but never aware of god.
had he been visible to human, by now he would be absent.
for the sake of the rest creator is present.
it really needs more than pair of eyes and all other senses to see creator in person and it is not belief.
creator can't be buried exposed beckoned or learnt
creator can be seen by one and only one means
the ability to differentiate between true and false and ability to accept truth and reject false however desirable.

I have everything for my life including creator.

It is impossible to influence creator - not even spec could be moved - nothing happens without him - he never sleeps.

If knowledge is power - I am powerless

I  do not know.

All is OK.

Aswathama hoto iti gaza

Yudhisthir never lied.

That does not mean that he was given in to hiding his internal human desires - lust greed sex ....

Yet he was reliable to others including those who were deceived by him.

he was simple over his expression.

Many a time he was overcome with desires of Draupadi. So many got affected - including Arjun.

He was candid in his expression and I condone him.

it is my family tree

It is my family tree but of different kind.

Originally I am absolute without peer and ancestor. Any similarity is that of Sky

The twins composed out of me are Time and Distance.

Both Time Distance are compositions of Events. They too are compositions of mine - me and people (my world then.

This is my world under the sky.

I can't be bigger or smaller.

I can't be bigger than sky and not smaller than me - a non-entity observer.

It does not matter if I am under a stone or six feet under within a box and only observe nothing.

The non-entity me has one direct descendant - a liar. Observer has no option but bear the liar - that always lie and always hears lie.

I have no option but condone him after all he is made of cells - it is best he could be.

I do not yet know the secret how I migrate from one body to another and drive the same.

Twins to singleton

I oscillated between me and you for 4 decades day in day out and every wake hours and minute.

I am literally split in two.

How extraordinary will it last for ever or it shall reconcile to one.

As me I would like to burst.

As you I listen to you and I would like burst out.

If I don't in either case....

million words

I have written several million words in 40 plus years only to calm my boiling minds from two successive rejections.

I could believe in nothing that included my own body and the sun rising in the east.

I was mount Fuji eruptions every so often.

I am still erupting is there any chance that I shall be silent in near future.

I wish I am a dead volcano.

I have nothing to give by way of words.

I unite the sky earth people and me all themselves  - peaceful and quiet and not noisy and colliding.

I can't condone two persons in my life - Madhu and Chhordi. There is another pair Bhakt masi and Jagu who were responsible for early demise of Dada.

I think it is my final list of persons I do not condone - their selfishness caused early death of my three brothers.

Ma always took care to keep her children away from potentially dangerous persons..

I wont blame any but blame inability to myself.

It is not suspicion

I am convinced that my Chhorda's death is caused by mis-diagnosis and treatment by Madhu and final heart attack caused by deliberate lies by Chhordi - she did not wished to be in Chhorda's vicinity and she was doing all the misinformation since she wished to possess his money. Madhu swindled him by treatment but Chhordi swindled Chhorda's money false checks and depositing in her account - enriching herself with stolen money.

Madhu and Chhordi are hardened culprit.

Madhu was instrumental to death of Sonada too. He is thorough liar. Nightingale too is a nightmare. I am convinced that the pacemaker replaced was non-functional. He even asked it from Baudi.

Madhu and Jagu syphoned Dada's asset except that was in Post office. All the shares of Dada disappeared and also his land in Rupnarayanpur for a ashram. I do not know if he made some construction

How long Madhu shall be able to cover his criminal track is doubtful. May he live long.

How long Chhordi is going to be able to cover her criminal track is doubtful. May she live long.

.

Another Dream

I had series of escapades.

Series of life.

Connections are made with some bus conducted by violent ruffins not sure I would return home

But where could I go?

My twin brother is home.

Away from home I was always accompanied by some one who knew.

My lifes circle around home.

আমি ভগবান সবার থেকে খারাপ

আমি  অনেক দোষে দোষী
আমি সবার সব বিচার নিতে প্রস্তুত নই
আমি আমাকে বাচাবার চেষ্টা থামাতে পারবনা
আমার দোষের শেষ নেই।

আমি ভগবান ।
আমি আমার মালিক।

হয়ত সবার থেকে খারাপ।

আমি আমার দোষ ছাড়তে পারব না
আমি ভগবান বদলায় না
আমি কারোর নিয়ম মানিনা
সত্যি মিথ্যা জানিনা
কারোর মত নিইনা
কারোর কথা মানিনা
আমি আমার যা ইচ্ছা করি
দুঃখ আর কষ্ট হয়ত আমার চিরকালের সাথী।

আমি অসত
আমি অসভ্য
আমি মানুষ না
আমি কিছুই না
আমি একেলা
আমার মুক্তি নেই।।

ভগবান আছে?

সব থেকে মুক্তি

সবার থেকে মুক্তি না বলা 

সবাই কে সুযোগ দেওয়া 

সব কিছু করার 

কোনো কিছু বাধা না দেওয়া 

আমার প্রশ্ন আমাকে 

ভগবান আছে?

আমার বিশ্বাস আছে
হয়ত আমার বিশ্বাস ঠিক

কিন্তু আমি জানিনা

হয়ত আমি এবং চির কাল আমি ভগবান

আমার বিশ্বাস বা অবিশ্বাস যাই হোক কিছু যায় আসে না

যেমন চির দিন চলেছে সেরকমই চলবে

আমি কি ভাবি তার উপর
ভগবানের অস্তিত্ব
কোনো ঘটনা
বা সত্যি নির্ভর করে না

when would I gain total control?

I can't stop doing. Even when I know all is done,

Nothing is expected of me.

Twins

Flower or Fly who is first? They appeared together.
Adam or Eve who came first? They were twins born at the same time.
Neuron or photon who is elder? They are twins.
God or Devil who is elder? They are twins.

However, who is elder Absolute or Relative?

The answer is Absolute.

Me and My World are twins. They are born inseparable and they disappear both at the same time. They complement each other and they play together.

In fact Me my world and time are triplets. They together create all the numbers and their order.

Is it not remarkable coincidence that DNA is double helix?

Without it we can't have future. With RNA we only present no past no future unless itself is repetitious. DNA is much stable condition.

Photon causes neuron or neuron causes photon?

The mystery of universe is absolute - nothing - first and without second (peer)

Amazing is the absolute relationship with events. Each event is twin - observer and observation (twin such as neuron and photon). Each event is a creation of absolute.

They are undoable. Among themselves they have no relationship except all are siblings and not comparable. Without character. like two flashes of fire fly and no flash between them. The connection of these three is the fire fly.

All events are connected with absolute as source and they could not be otherwise.

.

It is all about truth and false and its repercussions

Universe is well founded on nothing.

I have emphasized 'nothing' to mean beyond ordinary meaning of nothing. It is in fact meaning of 'meaning of nothing' and all recursion using meaning...

It is behind all and extends beyond and in particular not only 'all'

I can't simplify whatever I have written - it is mistake to write in first place.

Why write when you do not expect to be understood?

[this may be a false assumption and there may be person like me who are looking for meaning]

I shall be talking in first person only since i have observed my self most and for 64 years now.

I have a personal crisis 'who am I?'

The dream yesterday is related to that.

There is an intersection - can't go past that. It is my birth. While moments as streams like train goes in one directions non-stop from my birth and they are current some of them get destroyed and some visible (memory)

Someone simulated Photon to come back to origin time!

Does it mean Photon is immortal or perpetual/

It is Newton's concept of matters' indestructibility thereby energy thereby photon.

I am receiving photons are stream of the same from my birth. They have not gone past me but became my memories some of them. When I go under and not exist - it is goes back to when i was not there. Is it time travel back in time of photon?

There is always before co-exist with all time.

There is a container that truly contains all knowns and knowable plus unknowable that time shall never know - it is the source of photon and all knowables.

How all these relates to me?

I co-exist with all and I individually am all with my assumptions of their existence - photon or non-photon based.

I ran or run into problem whenever I mistakenly this any I see is me in particular - that is false.

I am mad or false as long as I assume.

I am always and even before and after knowledge.

I am absolute.  

Dream

It was long dream - central character is Biswarup besides me and place is Chittaranjan. Weather is very bad raining hard. communication is disrupted. Open portion is totally under water and volunteers are not allowing people to go any further in that direction. Trains are going in one direction even when some carriages are getting derailed. But vehicle or trains from opposite direction can't simply go past that intersection.

The other side of the intersection I met Biswarup. He told his Mother and wife are dead now. I told my sad story of Chhorda's death. Someone pulled him away.Saved me from self pity from my inability to stop and involving others with my grievance.

আমি পুতুল

আমি পুতুল
নাচালে নাচি
বলালে বলি
করালে  করি
ভাবালে  ভাবি
কাদালে কাদি
হাসলে হাসি
আমি অক্ষম
আমি জ্ঞানী আমার এইটুকুই আমার জ্ঞান
আর কিছু জানিনা
আমি হেসে খুসি
আমি কেদে খুসি
আমি শুনে খুসী
আমি দেখে খুসী
আমি করে খুসী
আমি ভেবে খুসী
আমি নেই তাতে খুশি
আমি চুপ তাতে খুসী
খুসি না হযে উপায় নেই।

I must without fail enjoy now

I must be happy and enjoying now 

Mahabir

undefeatable

fearless

!!!

Mahabir was a prince and king.

He found one day he sitting on wealth and people but they were burden on him.

He wished to free his people from himself and free himself of wealth

He announced a day when he would give away all his wealth and kingdom to his people.

He called everyone to open field from all over his kingdom and started giving away wealth - whoever had whatever is theirs.

In the evening when sun was he had distributed all including his cloths. He was not shameless - he borrowed a shawl from his sister and covered his body and took to road. On the way outside locality he found a lame man. He asked Mahabir direction to the open place. Mahabir did not wish to disappoint the lame man since he was late. He gave the shawl away taking only a piece to cover his shame.

While passing through a hedge Mahavir's cover got caught in the hedge. He stopped recover the piece but then realized he could do without his shame and not retrieve his shame.

মেঘ আর মেঘ

মেঘ আর মেঘ আর মেঘ
বৃষ্টি আর বৃষ্টি
বৈচিত্রহীন

কবে পথে বেরোব
বৃষ্টি থামার অপেক্ষা না করে
কবে জানব আমি ভবিষ্যতহীন

কোনো আশা নেই
কিছু বাচাবার নেই
বলার নেই করার নেই ভাবার নেই দেবার নেই

কবে দেখব
শুধু আকাশ আর আকাশ
আর খেলব প্রাণ ভরে 

I am blinded by me

and my aim is very clear to eliminate me and restore my sight. If this done in this life ok if there is another one and if I am still blind and I recognize it then I shall try again.

Did my brother knew my aim - I do not know. I did not hid it from any one but it is very clear anyone who has met me for a while - he or she would know I am continuously struggling to achieve something - it is not like every other persons - struggling for honor life or survival.

Chhorda told me that he is struggling for life even though he knew it is not under his control but he is determined to put up a fight.

If he didn't he would have survived. But that was not to be - it was not intended.

I can of course blame all who killed him - his siblings colluding with his Physicians to loot his possession. Of course they did succeed. Again it was intended it could have been otherwise.

When someone puts a loaded gun on my head - I may or may not struggle to survive and it is not under my control - it is the intention - truth.

Every event in this world is intended including my thought a hyena's thought and an ants thought. It is deterministic automaton.

I am a deterministic automaton without control - it is truth.

There truly clear sky and light that reflects on me that I can't see eclipsed by me. Can truly truth be eclipsed by me - my life long collections of events that I wear as my intelligence.

No.

I get occasional rays that I do not understand. I do not stop my self from understanding the ray or event. My life could be instantly heaven - literally - the open sky all beyond description beautiful forever new forever virgin and never memorized by any and not seen by me or read by me or witnessed by me.

I made my last attempt and told Chhorda for once read Vivek Chudamoni. My mind was truly clouded but I knew what appeared snake and concluded as snake by people surrounding him - he must ignore - he must not be gullible but see truth for himself.

He must have seen the truth in his last breath that his treatment caused his death and it was hopeless - his relations his physicians his friends and he himself could not prevent it - truth can't be prevented - never.

Hope is sure sign of despair. Truth is all clear without a shadow of doubt.

Truth is knowledge but knowledge what?

I know without doubt that I don't know. Life after life I can't afford to be blind that is scholar and apply knowledge unto me and start understanding instead just see in the clear sky without knowledge and recognize it is worthless for my purpose for my rest of my life and any number of my lifes thereafter.

Sky is meaning for truth - it means 'I don't know'. No matter what instruments exist and created and how many people see through them  sky is not known but I only create clouds, layers after layers, and I succeed in not seeing the sky - truth. Of course Truth exist and always even if I am senseless, mindless. 'I don't know' always exist.

There is a sky in me it unites with the sky outside me.

My senses are clouded I see Chhorda's mind clouded too even though he is clear Sky.

One courage I must have

I do not have the courage face all events without doing.

One is my total absence without root or anchor.

I can't face my absence without thoughts words and deeds.

The other is my existence without possession - friends relations money home profession earnings support.

I can't face my absense of support without thought words and deeds.

I have no option but face my absence or my absence of support without support from my intellect memory muscle finance friends relations ......

Do I support in anticipation of support?

My enemy is me.

My enemy is only me and my possessions.

I must annihilate my enemy - me and my possession

I can't see the truth that can't hidden for a single moment because of a speck in my eye - it is me.

How do I remove it?

It is impossible

Whatever I might have seen I can never make it true or false.

Whatever I might have heard I can never make it true or false.

Whatever I might have touched I can never make it true or false.

Whatever I might have thought I can never make it true or false.

Truth was is shall never be transient - it is always present and never ever is absent.

আমার লক্ষ্য

আমার আকাংখা
আমার চাওয়া
আমার লক্ষ্য
সত্যি সত্যি সত্যি।।

কারো  থেকে বড় নয়
কারো থেকে ছোট নয়
কারো সমান নয়
অমৃতের নয়
বাচার নয়
অধিকার নয়
যা ইচ্ছা করা নয়
যা ইচ্ছা বলা নয়
যা ইচ্ছা ভাবা নয়
আমার সাধীনতা সব স্পর্ষ কাতরতা থেকে
সম্মান থেকে -
আর আকর্ষণ থেকে।

আমার জন্ম জন্মান্তরের লক্ষ্য সত্যি।
সত্যের উপলব্ধি ।।

is it possible?

Can I live among people being totally neutral?

Not expecting any from any?

Not care to understand what any is saying?

Without being curious about any?

Without doing for any?

Without talking to any?

Without seeing any?

Even if it is impossible - I have to achieve the same.

I can't waste my time trying to find out. Even if I try I shall not find out. I AM TOTALLY CLOSED.

On the other hand if I notice anything about anyone - it is the best information I have or entitled to. Tracing anyone would not result in more information.

Making any expectation is futile attempt to know more - it is impossible to know more.

Time is not absolute.

Light is not absolute.

Time line is not absolute.

Absolute is container of All and that includes nothing - not photon not boson not time not space not concept not thought - it is present - it is without root - it is without peer - it is never absent.

I am absolute. I can't be otherwise.

i can't satisfy none - it is impossible.

সম্মান শত চেষ্টা করেও পাবনা
অসম্মান না চাইতেও পাব

সত্যি অতি কঠিন - অকল্পনীয় ।

যা দেখবার দেখেছি
যা শুনবার শুনেছি
যা ছোবার ছুএছি
যা  ভাববার ভেবেছি

এসব বড় বা ছোটো বা না করা অসম্ভব ।

ভবিষ্যতেও যা দেখাবে দেখব  যা শোনাবে শুনব যা ছওয়াবে ছোব যা ভাবাবে ভাববো

সত্যি অতি নির্মম ।

না ভুগে মরব না
আর না মরে উদ্ধার নেই
বেচে থাকার কোনো উপায় নেই
না করে পার পাব না

next composition

I have two topics both from my current readings - one on ownership of 700+ flats of Shibulal current ceo of infosys, the other I already recursion - meeting someone who is exactly like me and not someone i love completely without making any change no matter how impossible to bear. It is similar to the effort of a python swallowing a deer or antelope with big horn definite to puncture the python stomach.

In my case - i am nothing and I treat the entire world as they are - i swallow the entire universe that includes uncountable worlds as they are without modification or treatment.

Literally,

I am open and unbounded - in dimension I am devoid - bereft of all but contains all without touching any as they are.

Recursion,

it starts with touch - an event recognition - and there after change of events unstoppable - non-happening is an event - any pattern of 0 and 1 and there is no time interval. Insert as many 0000000000s between two 1s

An Example:

I met a person exactly like me and i thought i was unique!

I met so many in billion trillion ways they I thought all different but they are all me - recursive events.

I am unique!

I alone is absent but present always for events to happen like fire flies.

i do not have to be

i do not have to own my last all moments however vivid and live they are in my mind.

i do not need to perpetuate my living.

slowly my courage returns i do not have to be to any.

i do not have to be success to any

i do not have to survive

a gun put on my head only trigger to be pulled

i take the chance of leaving that to the puller

today

I went to a graduation party.

Reconfirmed that Bengali can't do food business they are too clever to do the same.

I have similar opinion about Indian IT Business although they are apparently doing good.

All my years in US and all my associations with Indian Companies - HCL TCS WIPRO COGNIZANT INFOSYS - it clear that it is impossible to trust them with any project. They shall never deliver. They prosper in an atmosphere wherever there is easy money. In US there is always easy money.

We have a saying Chore Chore Mastoto Bhai.

There is automatic relationship between two bad person and they make a group.

I have by now seen about 25 projects in USA. Invariably they are failures. All of them large money spinning exercise.

So black is the picture that I don't believe if there is another project for me it shall last more than three weeks.

It is impossible to make relationship with a thief for me to survive.

There is one ray of hope though - the unpredictability.

I am past 64 and I have survived till now without getting mixed up with thieves and I welcomed separation. 

my last train to survival

There is a race condition

all my education
all my people
all my hates
all my feelings
all my loves
all of my body
all my pains
all my moments
all my aspirations
all my dark thoughts
all my failings
whole of my world

without change has come preloaded at this moment

now I have to squeeze me in

my last train to survival

[my silence]

saddest moment

I am so big that I need freshness beyond this moment but I have to be entirely contained in the tiniest  container conceivable - this moment.

none nothing can snap me out of this strait jacket
further still I have to live without stretching space
in the boredom of no events and hostiles threatening my existence and physical comfort
and I have no space left to be surrounded by my friends I love
and some of my past moments to keep me company
and some anticipated great moments of future.

the content of this moment is not under my control.
they are there without my permission
i can't evict any of them
i can't even evict my self
without leaving out a cell I have to accommodate me,
all my relations, all my time past present and future
all my possessions
all my worlds
qll without leaving nothing.

no option

whatever I may hear see feel reflect and do at this moment I have to bear it without option.

Fly sitting on the axle of chariot

8 horse driven chariot was speeding through a rough terrain it was emitting lot of dust and creating lot of noise sparks from wheels and horse hoof are in abundance.

Sitting on the axle of the wheels - a fly is thinking -

I am particularly violent today!

I am that fly.

Genghis khan

Modern day conquer of the half the world whose dynasty ruled for 250 years came from a central Asia called Mongolia. It still exists and became liberated from communism only several decades back. Mongolian are vegetarian collections of tribes who lived raising cattles and battling among themselves in their region.

Their religion is open Sky freedom of spirit. Genghis was captured slave when he was 13 years old along with his mother and sister. They prevailed his conscience in his adult life. There some fundamental change he brought in battling and conquering. He was first to establish justice system, distant communication and language for the same. He also practiced winning by least bloodshed.

He established propaganda of how intolerant brutal animal Mongols are.

He would for months circulate propaganda and put seize on rulers for months. Letting go people who surrender. Ultimately destroy isolated rulers from their support.

Only change they brought about a Justice System and distant and quick communication to central leadership with distant Mongolia.

He conquered China, India, Russia, half of europe, Iran, etc. half of civilized world without much of army with only fast moving cavalry.

what is next my next moment?

I need to answer this question.

I am trying to predict my next moment with respect to all my memories of moments that can be very faulty.

With respect to current moment that is real and true.

Prediction is based my perceived intelligence on my prediction capability on my finance longevity of me and those I relate to.

My heart loses a number of beats - considering my life and life of others and my financial situation.

Suppose they are worse and that is predictably so - my ability to create interest in me is limited to attract money; similarly my ability to increase my life expectancy?

All these as per my belief.

I don't know what is my future tomorrow but its expectation ruins my today.

Further I have no ability to create tomorrow while I have every ability to destroy my today in order to manufacture tomorrow out of today.

At this point 'moment' comes into picture because today as such is perception of today at this very moment.

While today is any thing but this moment.

This moment is true that is unchangeable.

While is an account of events perceived by me echoing my mind.

It is my disability to create my next moment and thereby predict the same.

However I spoil this moment predicting my next moment thinking that is for sure unpredictable.

Why I am bothered about next moment that I am incapable of making it?

I am suffering from very bad moment that is resonating without stop in this very moment.

This moment is created thus - I have no option but suffer.

As I am doing now.

I have no ability to create any moment good or bad.

I am dried up leaf in between two pages of a book many zillion pages.

talks apart

I realize that

I am incapable of making one moment however bad

I am incapable of changing this moment however bad

I have no choice but bear this moment.

Deluded

Delusion is totally mine

I am not intelligent enough to generalize the same to another person

Frankly all the person in my world are beyond communication to even when they do

Since I only make up story even when they are absolutely silent and dead for ever

And when they speak my mind goes insane and thinks any number of things depending on the time of the day and environment I am in for long afterwards he or she has spoken

When pleasure is entirely mine I think that i am giving pleasure to other(s)

Such is my self deceiving illusion

Without a career

I am a strong professional - all my professional life and I have created technology entirely driven by me.

I have not been part of any large corporation for fairly long time. I believed I could survive by merit and without them.

However wind was blowing in different ways; I survived but as an independent provider. I didn't get sucked into the system.

In my recent years I have worked for companies who provide stuff augmentation services. They have become monopoly, I have no option but work through them.

I am running into ethical issue. I can't be professional and do work against my client's requirement but work for my employers requirement.

I can't change myself not to be professional.

failed state

Part of our world for ages lived on aggressive looting but not cultivation or business.

I have read Baburnama - autobiography of Babur - by culture the values they held as profession to earn living, to organize strike force and loot. The loot is not only food and grains, moveable assets but women too and children as Slaves.

It started with Genghis Khan who showed the way, and was reasonably successful in dominating half of the world for about 250 years.

They are born in that culture. Only binding force for such group formation is faith and religion as it is practiced by the group.

One must learn to live with them and be aware that their lifetime is at most 10 to 50 years. The region is quite vast starting with egypt Africa middle east and a substantial part of Asia. Unsurprisingly the religion practiced ..... that equates violence is the means of reaching God by that the right to be unaccountable. 

It is best that they are kept on isolation since they can't ever be part of long lived civilization. They do not produce but consume.

It is not so very difficult to eliminate the leader but it is useless to do that. The group is not going to change their ways nor you can contain them in prison.

We must learn our lesson from Taliban Libya Egypt - only strategy worthwhile to pursue is to keep them rounded up in small territory in isolation.

Iraq is a failed state, so is Syria, so is many. Let them loot themselves and not loot rest of the world. 

We must isolate them with a Wall - we must not to get involved under no circumstances. This wall must have no gate or channel for communication. Give them freedom to whatever they want. The wall must have written everywhere crossing it sure death by electrocution poison gas and contagious skin disease HIV and they should stay away. Create herbs around the wall moats beyond it and blare microphone of horror stories of what the living hell it is beyond the wall.

All bees have a sting. All barbarian has an AK47 assault Machine gun. Let them manufacture that as many they want but do not supply them one or manufacturing material for creating one as well as gunpowder. 

We must guard civilization and refrain from creating one out of them instead we must keep them in isolation.

I recommend reading of Baburnama he was anephew of Taimulang he had language gift of Taimur - he bares his mind.

I am stripped of all

At this moment I am stripped of all..



It is permanent.

all moments here after are worse beyond my imagination and without end

This is the saddest moment of my life

I saved a lot till this moment
my relations
my many proud and prized moments
many words from many acquittances
many memories
many possessions
my loving body
many favorites
many intelligent deeds
and my pride

But

I can't save even
a single moment
a single cent
a single cell
an intelligent deed
a single memory

for my next moment

I have no ability to create next moment

I have no options but leave all now
I have  no safe - no arc to get to next moment

in my next moment is totally bereft of me and all my love
I have only them - I hate and can't bear

all moments here after are worse beyond my imagination and without end

উপায় নেই

আমি নেই
আমি দেখি দেখি দেখি
আমার শেষ অবিধি
চোখ বন্ধ করে বাচবার উপায় নেই
আমি দেখি দেখি দেখি
দেখার সীমা নেই
কোনো কিছু
বা আমার শেষ
না দেখার উপায় নেই।
আমার কোনো কিছু করার বা না করার
উপায় বা অধিকার নেই
আমার না শোনার না দেখার না শুকার না ছোবার না ভাবার না করার না বলার না লেখার উপায় নেই।
শেষ আমাকে দেখতেই হবে
যা দেখতে চান না তা দেখতেই হবে
কোনো কারন নেই সেই এক মাত্র কারণ ।।

সেই তো সব অমি তো নেই

কারণ আমি জানিনা।
কেন দেখলাম কেন শুনলাম?
না শুনে উপায় নেই
না দেখে উপায় নেই
না ভেবে উপায় নেই
না করে উপায় নেই
আমি জানি আমার বাচার উপায় নেই
তাঁর কোলে বসে তাঁর থেকে বাচব কি করে?
তাঁর চোখ, তাঁর শরীর তাঁর ইন্দ্র তাঁর ভাবনা
আমি কোই আমি কোথায় ?
সেই তো সব অমি তো নেই।

আমি জানি

আমি জানি 'আমি জানিনা'

আমি জানি সব আমি

আমি জানি সব আমার মন গড়া মিথ্যা

আমি জানি 'আমি নেই'

আমি জানি 'আমার কোনো ক্ষমতা নেই'

আমি জানি ' আমি জানিনা আমারই পরের মহুর্ত'

আমি জানি ' আমার নিস্তব্তাটা আমার জ্ঞানের একমাত্র প্রকাশ'

তাঁর দয়ায় আমার এই মুহূর্ত

আমার আর এক মুহুর্ত চাওয়ার কোনো অধিকার নেই ।

আমি জানি আমাকে ।

আমি সত্যি  আমি এই মুহূর্ত আমি বড় নই আমি ছোট নই আমি কিছু নই

আমর উপরে কেও নেই আমার সমান কেও নেই আমার ছোট কেও নেই ।।

I can't ask

There are many in the animal kingdom that they can't ask.

Many had to approach stealthily to eat that did not belong to them.

I am one of the species that multiplied so many times and grabbed every inch of the earth surface and fumed up atmosphere and destroyed species unlimited flora and fauna. It has even dirtied ocean mountains and poles.

No creature on earth is safe from humans. They have brains limbs machines and weapons.

I can't ask for.

I can't ask for a single moment more or less.

I can't ask for a single favor.

I can't ask for what everyone deserve.

I can't ask for protection.

I can't ask for a moment's relief.

I can't ask.

I have to pay for my independence of my thoughts words and action i can't depend.

how to retain godhood despite

How does god retain godhood despite enmass rebellion?

I don't have to explain I tell myself. [i m not seeking]

or point out every punctuation or words and what i wish to convey.

I do not have others to consider my writing even to gloss over or read.

I wished a model of defense of my godhood in the hand of human.

once I was travelling early in the morning in 1987 from Baranagar to Mudiali in kolkata.

It was quite early and sun has not risen. In a locality in a street corner I saw a group of men and women had gathered and they were engaged in delivering judgement to a person tied to a lamp post. He was wearing a Jungian and bare body. He was wearing a Placard - "আমি চোর"

His head was half shaven. People were engaged in pouring "ঘোল" on his head.

His godhood over the gathering could not be diminished by whatever acts might follow nor was he anticipating an end.

I was passing by in a taxi and could not guess how long it was going on - might have been from the time he was born and might as well would go on till his last breath.

Head bent he was god almighty of his world - his stature could not be reduced - by poverty uncovered body torture, shame and insult by his people.

It is obvious that his god has left him. He has no protection and he is his current god. 

বাঙালির পোষাক

আমি বাংলাদেশ ছাড়া প্রায় চল্লিশ বছর
বাংলার সব থেকে প্রিয় জিনিষ বাঙালির পোষাক
গত দু বছর ধরে আমি চেষ্টায় আছি দুটো সাদা সন্তিপুরি ধুতি আর আদ্দির পাঞ্জাবি আনবার সাথে দুটো ঢোলা আন্ডার wear
অনেককে অনেক লিখেছি
কিন্তু পায়নি
আজকে জানলাম এই সখ আমার পূরণ হবে না
এগুলি আর বাংলা দেশে তৈরি হয়না
বাঙালি পুজো পার্বনে এখন মুসলমানের আলখেল্লা পরে আর আমেরিকার জীন পরে

আমি জানিনা

আমি নেই।

সব আমি,
আমি ছাড়া কেও নেই কিছু নেই
আমি বলি সবার কথা,
আমি ভাবি সবার সব  ভাবনা,
সব আমার মন গড়া মিথ্যা।

আমি জানিনা, এটাই এক মাত্র সত্যি।

snake eating

its tail.

tail tip has no sensation but tasty.

this activity reduces length and makes the snake dependent on food in the environment.

mathematically result is disappearance the snake

the whole process is holy in a way that establishes the truth that one is absent.

what is the meaning of 'I am absent'?

All is present?

All is absent?

Answer to either is not relevant when I m absent.

What is important when i make it true - that is, there is time line consisting of moments and I am absent in each and every moment?

if something present and noticeable it is not me who is making all this happen?

a layer of skin over all comes off - it is really a cataract in my eye.

I see for first time that there is no law and no rule.
---------------------------
That I am cataracted and then I shall always be so is a little bit of ray that was forever missing in me. It need never been in this life and could have been delayed to some more life.

I could have been ignorant all my life. I need never know:
I am thoroughly manufactured and all my components are original parts without exception. I or none of my parts can ever malfunction and bear life time warranty and need no service. The same is true about every component discovered and to be discovered. Creator and creation is time invariant inseparable perfection. All events are designed and inescapable.